Whodunit?
by Tsubasa Hane
Summary: Someone dies. Then a few more decide to drop. And it's their job to figure out who did it, where, and with what. Unfortunately, none of them seem to have a clue. Typecasting galore. First in the MOVIE PARODY series.
1. Meet the Suspects

This is a perfect example of me not-studying for Regents exams next week.  I'm up to my knees in textbooks and notes and needed something to take my mind off of things.  I figured, everybody else seems to suddenly be writing parodies, so why not me?  

~~~~~~~~~~  
DISCLAIMER:  _X-men: Evolution_ and its characters are not mine.  The 1985 movie _Clue_, based on the popular Parker Brothers game, is not mine.  The only thing I own in any possible way is Ryo, and I wonder about her sometimes….  
~~~~~~~~~~

Ryo sits confidently in her very own director's chair, legs crossed and arms placed comfortably on the wooden rests.  She has on a black beret and holds a bullhorn in one hand to complete the look.  The screen temporarily goes blurry as someone tries to focus the lens before clearing, allowing Ryo to speak directly into the camera.

**Ryo:** …all set, Evan?

**Evan:** *off-camera* You're on, girl.

Clearing her throat, Ryo begins.

**Ryo:** For those of you who didn't read the summary, this is a parody of the movie _Clue_ featuring various Evolution characters.  The idea to write it came—more or less—from reading _Todd Fan_'s serious of movie parodies, including "Mutants in Tights" and "Little Shop of Mutants."

**Bobby:** [over intercom] *coughplugcough*

**Ryo:** *ignoring him*  I get to play director for this one, with the help of Evan on camera, Forge as our acting technician, Ray on lights, Bobby on sound effects, and Miss Ororo creating our stormy weather.  Jamie's also around here somewhere, his clones keeping the set clean and running errands now and then.  The rest of the casting was mainly chosen at random, although I have a feeling more than a little bit of typecasting went into it.

The camera slowly begins to pan out.

**Ryo:** And now, without further ado, I give you our feature presentation… 

*          *          *          *          *          *  
"WHODUNIT?"  
A parody of the 1985 movie, _Clue_  
Written by _DragonBlond_

_The scene opens with a darkening sky as storm clouds begin rolling in.  Thunder and lightning can be detected off to the distance as the camera slowly pans down.  Various credits roll, with haunting music playing in the background.  _

_A car travels through the heavy wind until it reaches the gates of a familiar-looking house: the Xavier Institute, only with a haunting, New England style to it.  With a few commands punched into the control panel, the gates open and allow the car to enter._

_Pyro steps out of the car and walks to the front door.  To his right, the sound of barking dogs can be heard.  He turns his gaze in the direction of the sound, and the camera follows to see…a baby Lockheed._

**Pyro:** …are you serious?

_Lockheed spits out a burst of fire at him, but Pyro simply flicks one hand and sends the flames back, forcing the dragon to retreat back into its doghouse.  With a smug grin, he then shortens the length of Lockheed's chain before heading to the door…pausing mid-step.  He looks down at his shoe in disgust, then back towards the dragon._

**Pyro: **I hate you.

**Lockheed:** *grins triumphantly from the doorway of his doghouse*

_Pyro enters the house, scraping his shoe on the door frame.  The song "Shake, Rattle, and Roll" is heard playing somewhere in the background as he hangs up his hat and coat in the adjacent closet._

_In the library, we see Belladonna—dressed up in a French maid outfit—polishing a few glasses as she dances to the music.  Pyro walks in and turns off the record._

**Pyro: **Is everything…WOAH!

_His eyes go wide as he gets a good look at her costume._

**Ryo:** *off-screen* Focus, John!

_He blinks, shaking his head a few times before recovering._

**Pyro:** Is everything ready?

**Belladonna:** Oui, M'sieur.

**Pyro:** You have your…"instructions"?

_She nods.  Pyro takes that as his cue to leave.  _

_As soon as he is out of the room, Belladonna catches a whiff of something foul.  She sniffs the air before examining the bottom of her shoes._

_Pyro's next stop is the kitchen, where Fred is busy sharpening knives._

**Pyro:**  Is everything all right, Freddie?

_He suddenly finds a knife at his throat as Fred turns around with a neutral expression._

**Fred:** Dinner will be ready at seven-thirty.

_Pyro is still staring at the blade._

**Pyro:** Okaay…you can put the knife down now, Fred…buddy…pal…

_The doorbell rings, drawing both their attentions._

_Lance is seen standing by the front door, being growled at by Lockheed.  He looks more than a little uncomfortable._

**Lance:** *nervously* Nice Lockheed…good dragon…

_Pyro opens the door._

**Pyro:** 'Evening, mate.

**Lance:** Good evening.  I don't know if—

**Pyro:** Yes, indeed, sir, you _are_ expected, Colonel.

_The two of them step inside, Lance removing his hat and jacket._

**Pyro:** May I take your coat?  It is Colonel Mustard, isn't it?

**Lance:** Actually, my name is—

_He continues, acting like Lance hadn't spoken up._

**Pyro:** Of course it is.

**Lance:** Damnit, will you let me finish a sentence?!

**Pyro:** I just did.  Walk this way, please.

_He starts down the hall.  Lance pauses as he sniffs the air in disgust, checking the bottom of his shoes._

**Lance:** Ugh…and I thought _Toad_ smelled bad!

**Todd:** *off-screen* I heard that!

_He then runs to catch up with Pyro._

**Lance:** So…who are you again?

**Pyro:** I'm Wadsworth, sir.  The butler.

_The two of them enter the library, where Belladonna is waiting._

**Pyro:** Yvette, will you attend to the Colonel and give him anything he requires…within reason, that is.

_He glances over at Lance before turning and exiting the room._

**Lsnce:** Oh, Wadsworth, I—

_He turns only to see Pyro has already left, closing the doors so that they look like a solid bookcase.  Lance stares at them, confused, for a moment before turning back to Belladonna._

**Lance:**  Er…do I know you?

_The bell rings again.  Pyro opens the door to reveal Rogue, who has a veil over her face and is reading a sheet of paper.  She is dressed all in black._

**Pyro:** Do come in, madam.  You are expected.

**Rogue:** Do ya know who Ah am?

**Pyro:** Only that you are to be known as Mrs. White.

**Rogue:** Yes.  It said so in the letter…but, why?

_Pyro removes her coat like a gentlemen.  As he places it in the closet, Rogue sniff the air, checking her shoes just as the other two before her._

_Belladonna hands Lance a glass of cognac just as the door opens.  Pyro enters with Rogue in tow._

**Pyro:** Ah.  May I introduce you?  Mrs. White, this is Yvette, the maid.

_As the two come face to face, a touch of surprise is evident before their expressions quickly turn to glares, neither girl bothering to hide her disgust._

**Belladonna:** Bitch

**Rogue:** Skank

_Pyro blinks in surprise._

**Pyro:** I…see you know each other.

**Belladonna:** Slut

**Rogue:** Whore

**Belladonna:** Tramp

**Rogue:** Strumpet

**Belladonna: **Vampire

**Rogue: **Fake

**Belladonna:** Murderer

**Rogue:** …oh, _you're_ one to talk!

_Lance and Pyro look at one another in confusion as the girls' fighting continues._

**Lance:** I got $20 on Rogue.

_Backstage, Ryo groans in annoyance as she massaging the bridge of her nose._

**Ryo:** Will you two shut them up already?  We don't have TIME for this!

**Lance/Pyro:** Aww…

_Lance grabs Rogue as Pyro grabs Belladonna, dragging the two girls apart.  They put up a brief struggle, but eventually give in and are each brought to opposite sides of the room._

_Fixing her hair, Rogue resolves not to let Belladonna get to her, resuming character._

**Lance:** Hello.

**Rogue:** *mutters*

_…mostly.  
  
  
_

_Meanwhile, some distances from the mansion we see a broken down car parked on the side of a vacant road.  Tabby stands beside it, obviously frustrated.  As an owl hoots somewhere in the distance, she gives the car a good whack._

_Thunder roars in the distance as the developing storm draws closer._

_Headlights suddenly appear from down the road.  Seeing this, Tabby immediately sets to work smoothing out her skirt and checking her makeup.  She then bends over the engine in hopes of drawing attention to her predicament._

_The car screeches to a halt as she lifts up one leg.  She turns around to see Pietro sitting in the driver's seat._

**Pietro:** Going my way, hot stuff?

**Ryo:** *off-screen* Stick to the script, Pie.

**Pietro: **…want a lift?

**Tabby:** *sultry voice* Yes, please…

_Pietro unlocks the door for her, and she climbs in the passenger seat._

**Tabby:** Thanks.  I'm late for a very important date—I mean—dinner date.

**Pietro:** Cute.  Me too.  Where're you going?

_She reaches into her purse, pulling out a white sheet of paper._

**Tabby:** Let's see…"Xavier Institute.  Off Route 41."

_Pietro looks at her strangely._

**Pietro:** Wait a minute.  Let me look at that.

_She hands him the paper. He rereads the directions._

**Pietro:** That's where I'm going…I got a letter like this!

_They both look somewhat unnerved at this._

_Outside, the rain has started.  The car pulls away as the windshield wipers start up.               _

_Back in the library, Kitty is looking nervously around the room as Pyro introduces her._

**Pyro:** And this is Mrs. Peacock.

**Lance:** *grins* How _you_ doin'?

**Rogue:** *mutters*

**Pyro:** Riiight…Um, Yvette, will you go and check that dinner will be ready as soon as all the guests have arrived?

_Belladonna nods as she brings over a drink to Kitty, who does a double-take at her ~revealing~ outfit.  Belladonna then leaves the room just as the doorbell rings yet again._

_Outside, it's now raining pretty hard.  Safe from the downpour, Todd stands on the front porch.  He cautiously eyes a now-subdued Lockheed, who doesn't seem to mind the frog-boy as much._

_Pyro opens the door, drawing Todd's attention._

**Todd:** Yo, is this the right address to meet Mr Boddy?

**Pyro:** Oh, you must be Mr. Green…ha ha.  I get it.  Green…Toad…

**Todd:** *dryly* Funny.

_Lockheed gets up at the sight of Pyro, growling._

**Pyro:** *to Lockheed* SIT!

**Todd:** Eep!

_Todd scrambles to sit on a bench by the door.  Seeing this, Pyro laughs._

**Pyro:** No, not you sir.

_Todd sheepishly gets up and enters the house._

_Meanwhile, Pietro and Tabby are still making their way towards the mansion.  The camera shows Pietro's car pulling onto a road._

**Tabby:** [v/o] It should be just off there.

_Inside, the two of them stare straight ahead as the car pulls up to the gate, then pauses._

**Pietro:** That…must be it.

_A bolt of lightning strikes, illuminating the mansion in a very eerie manner.  Pietro seems frozen in place._

**Tabby:** Why is the car stopped?

**Pietro:** *whispers* It's frightened.

_The storm continues to increase in intensity as Storm really gets into her role.  A brief shot of the library is shown, where Todd accepts a drink just as another bolt of thunder crashes.  He gulps nervously._

_Having pulled up the car into the driveway, Pietro gets out and zips over to Tabby's side of the car.  Picking her up, he zips the two of them to the front porch before either of them could get very wet.  He sets her back down in front of the door_

**Tabby:** Wow.  That's handy.

**Pietro:** *staring at the mansion* What a godforsaken place!

_As she shakes off the droplets of water on her gown, Pietro uses this window of opportunity to reach over and grope her behind._

**Tabby:** *squeals in surprise*

**Ray:** *somewhere off-stage* HEY!

_Tabby turns around and smacks him across the cheek for good measure, just as Pyro opens the door.  He looks surprised to see them._

**Pyro:** Professor Plum!  And Miss Scarlet!  I didn't realize you were acquainted.

_Tabby sends Pietro a Look._

**Tabby:** We weren't.

_Pyro steps aside for her to enter the house, with Pietro right behind her._

_The library doors are opened once more, revealing Tabby and Pietro.  Pyro is directly in front of them to give his introduction._

**Pyro:** May I present Professor Plum…and Miss Scarlet.

_Everyone nods in their general direction as Belladonna brings them a couple of wine glasses.  Pietro eyes her up and down._

**Pietro:** Where have you been all my life, baby?

_Rolling her eyes, Belladonna walks away.  Shrugging, he takes his glass and clinks it with Tabby's.  She looks back at him, obviously still annoyed._

**Pyro:** Of course, since you've each been addressed by a pseudonym, you'll have realized that nobody here is being addressed by their real name.

_The guests all glance around at one another suspiciously._

_In the hallway, Fred bangs on the gong once.  It shatters from the force of the blow._

_Todd jumps at the sound, landing in Kitty's arms and spilling cognac all over her fur coat…_

**Kitty:** *clear her throat loudly*

_…make that her *faux* fur coat._

**Pyro:** *calmly* Ah…dinner.

*          *          *          *          *          *

**Ryo:** Aaaaand…CUT!  Great job, people!

Kitty glares down at Todd (who was still in her arms) before dropping him right on the floor and walking off in disgust.  Pietro zips out of the room after Belladonna with all intentions of flirting.  Ray goes after him.

**Ray:** Get back here, Maximoff…I want a word with you!

Meanwhile, the rest of the crew pass around the cognac.

**Lance:** Whoever's idea it was to use real brandy for authenticity…they're my new best friend.  Cheers!

**All:** Cheers!

Rogue, however, storms over to the director's chair where Ryo is discussing camera angles with Evan.

**Rogue:** Why wasn't Ah informed that _she_ was gonna be a part of this?!

**Ryo:** *groans* Oh, it's gonna be a looooong fanfic…

 


	2. Dinner and Discoveries

Well, I managed to survive my Pre-Calculus final…but I've got Regents for both Physics AND American History tomorrow!  When will the madness END?!

~~~~~~~~~~

**Ryo:** Hey, there!  Well, I'm glad to see you all like the parody so far.  And for the person who mentioned Kurt…don't worry, he'll be showing up soon.  Pietro just seemed like a more obvious choice for the character of Professor Plum for whatever reason.  Hey, don't look at me; I just direct.  And speaking of, it's time for part two of the fic…

She turns her head to the left of camera.

**Ryo:** *shouts* Hey, Tabbs!  Get your tongue outta Ray's mouth so we can start this thing, all right?

Tabby glares at her from her seat on Ray's lap, where she was calming him down about the Pietro-situation from last chapter, but hops off and follows her now-laughing co-actors back onto the screen.

*          *          *          *          *          *

_The guests all cross the hallway to the dining room, where a long table with seven chair await them._

**Pyro:** You'll find your names beside your places.  Please be seated.

_Everybody except for Lance begins to file in.  Pyro takes Tabby's glass and places it on the table in front of he seat, earning a smile from her._

_Lance motions to the seat at the head of the table_

**Lance:** Is this place for you?

**Pyro:** Oh, indeed, no, sir.  I'm merely a humble butler.

**Lance:** And what exactly do you do? 

**Pyro:** I buttle, sir.

**Lance:** "Buttle" isn't a real word.

**Pyro:** Is too.  The butler is head of the kitchen and dining room.  I keep everything…tidy.  That's all.

_Lance is about to argue further, but is interrupted by Kitty._

**Kitty:** Well, what's this all about, butler; this dinner party.

**Pyro:** "Ours is not to reason why…ours is but to do and die."

**Pietro:** DIE?!

_He gulps._

**Todd:** Nice foreshadowing, yo.

**Ryo:** *off-screen* Stop giving away the plot!

**Pyro:** Merely quoting, sir, from Alfred, Lord Tennyson.

_Lance has since taken his seat to the right of Tabby's.._

**Lance:** Hm.  I prefer Kipling myself: "The female of the species is more deadly than the male."

_All the girls grin amongst themselves, making the guys suddenly nervous._

**Lance:** Er…do you like Kipling, Miss Scarlet?

_He passes her a plate of appetizers, which she accepts._

**Tabby:** Sure.  I'll eat anything.

**Rogue:** *coughblondecough*

_As if on cue, Belladonna enters the room through the kitchen door, carrying a tray.  She begins placing a bowl in front of each guest, starting with Kitty._

**Belladonna:** Sharks' Fin Soup, Madame.

_Kitty looks appalled._

**Kitty:** *to camera* This isn't _really_ made from sharks, is it?

_Lance motions towards the head of the table again._

**Lance:** So, is this for our host.

**Pyro:** No, sir.  For the seventh guest, Mr. Boddy.

**Rogue:** Ah thought Mr. Boddy was our host.

_The other guests all concur.  Pyro doesn't appear affected as he pours a drink into everyone's empty glass.                                     _

**Rogue:** So, who is our host, Mr. Wadsworth?

_Pyro gives an evil smirk as he chuckles slightly to himself, but doesn't answer._

_Pietro speaks up, lifting the tension, as he rubs his hands together._

**Pietro:** Well, I wanna start while the sharks're still bitin'.

**Kitty:** *turning slightly green* Oh, now…shouldn't we, um, wait for the other guest?

_Belladonna is placing a bowl in front of Tabby when she looks up._

**Belladonna:** I will keep somezing warm for 'im.

**Tabby:** What did you have in mind, dear?

_Belladonna grins ominously, with a sideways glance towards Rogue._

**Belladonna:** Wouldn' _y'_ like t' know?

**Rogue:** *fumes*

_As she leaves, the room is left in an uncomfortable silence.  Pietro seems the only one unaffected, picking up his spoon and taking a slurp of soup.  Rogue stares at him for a moment disapprovingly._

**Rogue:** …ah, screw it.  Ah'm hungry.

_She follows suit, slurping at her own bowl.  Lance, Tabby, and Toad all stare at the two, mouth open, as they do it again one after the other._

**Todd:** It's like…a really boring tennis match…

_Finally, Kitty places her napkin down, looking more than a little nervous, and addresses the group._

**Kitty:** Well-someone's-got-to-break-the-ice-and-it-might-as-well-be-me-I-mean-I'm-used-to-being-a-hostess-it's-part-of-my-husband's-work-and-it's-always-difficult-when-a-group-of-new-friends-meet-together-for-the-first-time-to-get-aquainted-so-I'm-perfectly-prepared-to-start-the-ball-rolling-I-mean-I-hae-absolutely-no-idea-what-we're-doing-here-or-what-I'm-doing-here-or-what-this-place-is-about-but-I-am-determined-to-enjoy-myself-and-I'm-very-intrgued-and-oh-my-this-soup's-delicious-isn't-it?

_Turning blue from the lack of oxygen intake, she then gasps for air as everybody stares at her, unblinking.  Pietro claps, and holds up a sign that reads "8.5"_

**Pietro:** Impressive speed and nice choice of vocabulary, but I'm afraid you lost points for poor breath control.

_He is suddenly hit in the head with a cue card._

**Ryo:** *off-screen* Not funny!

**Rogue:** You say you are used to being a hostess as part of your husband's work?

**Lance:** …husband?!

**Kitty:** *ignores him* Yes, it's an integral part of your life when you are the wife of a…oh, but then again, I forgot we're not supposed to say who we really are, though heavens to Betsy, I don't know why.

_Todd speaks up, hunched over his soup._

**Todd:** I know who you are.

_As everyone turns to stare at him, he looks up with a mischievous smirk._

**Tabby:** …well, aren't you going to tell us?

**Kitty:** *nervously* H-how do you know who I am?

**Todd:** I work in Washington, too.    

**Pietro:** *dismissively* Oh, so you're a politician's wife.

**Kitty:** Um…yeah…

_Lance opens his mouth to deliver the next line, when Pyro walks through the door from the kitchen._

**Lance:** ARGH!!!

_Kitty then turns to Rogue._

**Kitty:** So, what does your husband do?

**Rogue:** *quickly* Nothing.

**Kitty:** Nothing?

**Rogue:** Well, he…just…lies around on his back all day.

**Tabby:** Sounds like hard work to me.

_Pietro snorts into his water glass so that she has to kick him under the table to quiet him._

_In the kitchen, Belladonna suddenly opens the partition just as another crash of thunder strikes.  Todd, jumpy as ever, spills his drink again. This time, it lands on Tabby._

**Todd:** I'm sorry.  I'm afraid I'm a little accident-prone.

_He takes his napkin and starts to wipe her off._

**Tabby:** Ah—watch it.

**Todd:** …yes ma'am.

_Belladonna reenters the room and begins serving the guests plates of food.  The guests start eating, Kitty more enthusiastically than the others.  She turns to Pyro._

**Kitty:** This is one of my favorite recipes!

**Pyro:** I know, madam.

_She blinks, then turns back to the conversation._

**Kitty:** So, what do you do in Washington, D.C., Mr. Green.

_Todd doesn't answer._

**Kitty:** *smiling* Come on, what do you do?  I mean, how are we to get acquainted if we don't say anything about ourselves?

**Tabby:** *sharply* Perhaps he doesn't want to get acquainted with you.

**Kitty:** Well, I'm sure I don't know, but if I wasn't trying to keep the conversation going then we'd just be sitting here in an embarrassed silence.

_Pietro calmly puts his fork down and turn to face her._

**Pietro:** Are you afraid of silence, Mrs. Peacock?

**Kitty:** Yes—what? No!  Why?

**Pietro:** Oh, it just seems to me that you seem to suffer from what we call "pressure of speech.."

**Tabby:** "We"?  Who's "we"?  You a schizophrenic or something?

**Lance:** That's all we need…more Pietros running around.

**Ryo:** *groans off-stage*

**Pietro:** Actually, I do know a little bit about psychological medicine.

**Rogue:** Are ya a doctor?

**Pietro:** I am, but I don't practice.

**Tabby:** Practice makes perfect.  *snorts* I think most men need a little practice, don't you Mrs. Peacock?

_Kitty shrugs, looking very uncomfortable._

**Rogue:** So what do ya do, Professor?  …Ah can't believe Ah just called Pietro Maximoff "Professor."

**Pietro:** I work for UNO, the United Nations Organization.

**Lance:** *laughs* Another politician.  Jesus!

**Pietro:** No, I work for a branch of UNO: WHO, the World Health Organization.

**Kitty:** Well, what is your area of special concern?

**Pietro:** Family planning.

_Silence.  Everybody stares at him._

**Pietro:** I know.  Ironic, isn't it?  Anyhow, what about you, Colonel?  Are you a real colonel?

**Lance:** I am, sir.

**Tabby:** You're not going to mention the coincidence that you also live in Washington, D.C.?

**Lance:** How did you know that?  Have we met before?

_Tabby grins._

**Tabby:** I've certainly seen you before.  Although you may not have seen me.

**Todd:** So, Miss Scarlet, does this mean that you live in Washington, too?

**Tabby:** Sure do.

_She takes another bite of food._

**Kitty:** Does anyone here not live in Washington. D.C.?

**Pietro:** I don't.

**Todd:** Yes, but you work for the United Nations.  That's a government job.  And the rest of us all live in a government town.  Anyone here not ear their living from the government in one way or another?

_He looks around the table as Lance stands up angrily, turning to face Pyro._

**Lance:** Ahh!  You've been here the whole time?!

**Pyro:** You're a quick one, aren't you?

**Ryo:** *off-screen* Aww, come on.  You guys were doing so WELL!

**Lance:** Wadsworth, where's our host, and why have we been brought here?

_The doorbell rings then, and Pyro slips out of the room._

_The entire room grows quiet as they hear the sound of the door opening.  Pyro's and another voice can be heard._

**Pyro:** [v/o] Ah, good evening.  You are eagerly awaited.

_The sound of a door being locked his heard._

**Man:** [v/o] You locking me in?  I'll take the key.

**Pyro:** [v/o] Over my dead body sir. After all, what would be the point of locking it in the first place?  May I take you bag?

**Man:** [v/o] No.  I'll leave it here 'till I need it.

**Pyro:** [v/o] It contains evidence, I presume?

**Man:** [v/o] Surprises, my friend.  That's what it contains—surprises!

_Pyro reenters the dining room._

**Pyro:** Ladies and gentlemen, may I present…Mr. Boddy.

_Remy saunters casually into the room…freezing when he sees Rogue among the guests._

**Remy:** *pales slightly* Oh…shit…

**Rogue:** *arms folded and obviously mad* No use sweet-talkin' ya way outta this one, Swamp Rat.

**Ryo:** *off-screen* Save the lovers' spat for later, you two.  

**Pyro:** Do sit down, Mr. Boddy.

_He does so, just as Belladonna brings over a plate of food._

**Remy:** Nah, you can take that away, honey.

_She nods, a little miffed, and does what he asks.  Kitty bangs on the table to get his attention._

**Kitty:** *angrily* Look, I demand to know what's going on.  Now why have we all been dragged up to this horrible place?

_Remy doesn't say anything, but Pyro steps up to answer for him.  He takes a sheet of paper from inside his tuxedo jacket._

**Pyro:** Well, I believe we all received a letter.  My letter says, "It will be to your advantage t be present on this date because a Mr. Boddy will bring to an end a certin long-standing, confidential, and painful financial liability."  It is signed, "A friend."

**Todd:** I received a similar letter.

**Tabby:** So did we, didn't we?

_She looks to Pietro, who nods._

**Remy:** I also received a letter…

_Belladonna tries to serve him the main course._

**Remy:** No thanks, Yvette.  I just ate.

**Todd:** Now how did you know her name?

**Remy:** We know each other…don't we, dear?

**Belladonna:** *smiles* Intimately.

**Rogue:** Why you—

_Her ranting is suddenly cut short as Pietro sticks a roll in her mouth._

**Pietro:** Try the bread, White…it's delicious!

**Remy:** Nice save, _mon ami_.

**Pyro:** Forgive my curiosity, Mr. Boddy, but did your letter say the same thing?

**Remy:** No.

**Pyro:** I see…

_He turns to the group._

**Pyro:** Can I interest any of you in fruit or desert?

_Nobody answers.  Kitty pushes her place in slightly, signaling that she's finished._

**Pyro:** In that case, may I guest we adjourn to the study for coffee and brandy, at which point I believe our unknown host will reveal his intentions…

*          *          *          *          *          *

**Ryo:** Cut! …finally.

She sits back in her chair as Jamie walks over with a tray containing a bottle of aspirin and glass of water.  Behind her, the sounds of arguments and a screeching Rogue—now free of the roll in her mouth—giving Remy an earful can be heard.

**Ryo:** And just think; this is only chapter two.  *sarcastically* Yay…


	3. Secrets Revealed

I apologize for my brief lapse in updating, but I needed a bit of time to recover.  In the past three days, I've had to suffer through six 6-paragraph (2 ½ page) essays, over 150 multiple choice questions, and a Physics Regents so impossibly ridiculous our class average came to about a 56…only those of you who had to suffer through it as well could possibly understand the hatred I feel towards the NY State Board of Ed right now.  But all things aside, I'm definitely ready for summer…if it ever gets here…__

~~~~~~~~~~

Ryo and Evan are walking back on the set from the buffet table, doughnuts in hand, and greeted by an odd sight.  Pietro somehow managed to drag a psychiatrist chair and couch set to one corner of the room since the last scene.  He currently sits he chair dressed in a professional-looking suit, including a pair of prop-glasses with the lenses missing, and writing in a notepad.  

Lying on the couch is none other than Remy, who appears to be in the middle of a session.

**Remy:** …honestly, _mon ami_, Remy jus' 'bout t' give up on dem.  _Chere_ an' Bella gon' end up killin' each other before dis is all over…an' maybe Remy, too.

Shaking her head in disbelief, Ryo marches back over to her director's chair and sits down.  Evan continues to stare.

**Evan:** Um…somebody _did_ tell Pietro that he's not really a doctor, right?

Shrugging, Ryo picks up her megaphone/bullhorn.

**Ryo:** Come on people, it's time for Scene Three.  Everybody take their places…

*          *          *          *          *          *

The guests, including Remy and Wadsworth, all walk across the hallway into a very comfortable-looking room filled with couches, a table with drinks, and a desk.  They look around, expecting to find the "host" waiting for them, but the room is surprisingly empty.

**Todd:** There's no one here, yo.

**Pyro:** Please help yourself to brandy and please be seated.

**Lance:** Don't mind if I do!

He heads straight for the table, but Pietro zips over and gets to it first, pouring them both a drink.  Pyro, meanwhile, goes to the desk where a manila envelope rests.  It reads "For Wadsworth: Open AFTER DINNER."  He does so with a letter opener.

As Tabby sits down, she reaches into her purse.

**Tabby:** Mind if I smoke?

As nobody objects, she takes out the prop cigarette.  Pietro, who has taken a seat neat next to her, lights a match for her.  Tabby takes a few puffs, coughing from accidentally inhaling some of the smoke-like dust.

**Tabby:** …these things ARE just props, right?

**Ryo:** *off-stage* Realistic, aren't they?  _DragonBlond_'s school used them for their production of Grease.

Meanwhile, Pyro has been flipping through the contents of the envelope…mostly papers and a few photograph negatives.

**Pyro:** Ladies and gentlemen, I'm instructed to tell you what you all have in common with each other…unless, of course, you would care to do the honors, Mr. Boddy?

From his or her seat, everybody turns around to where Remy sits comfortably in a chair near the doorway.

**Remy:** Why me?  They know who I am?

**Pyro:** I don't think so.  You've never identified yourself.

Remy stands up abruptly.

**Remy:** It's a hoax!  I suggest we all leave!

He takes off out the study door with Pyro in pursuit.

**Pyro:** I'm sorry, sir, you cannot leave this house!

Remy heads to the front door, only to find it locked.  Pyro follows him out into the hallway with the guests trailing behind.

**Pyro:** It's too late to leave, sir.  The doors are locked and we know where you live.

**Remy:** This is an outrage!  You can't hold us prisoner!

In unison, the guests all start voicing their agreement.  Pyro holds up his hands and shouts over the din.

**Pyro:** Ladies and Gen—

Nobody pays any attention to him, talking amongst themselves.

**Pyro:** People!

The only get louder.

**Pyro:** *loudly* HEY, SHUT UP!

The room goes completely silent.  Everybody turns to stare at Pyro, wide-eyed.

**Pyro:** That's better…now then, please return to the study.  Everything will be explained.

They all obey, filing unhappily back into the study.  Remy, however, walks past Pyro down towards the rear of the hall.

**Pyro:** You too, Mr Boddy…

Remy starts running.

**Pyro:** Other way!

**Remy:** No shiiiit.

He continues running.  Pyro peruses.

Remy makes it all the way to the conservatory, which pretty much looks like Storm's greenhouse.  The fourth wall (hehe…) is made completely of glass, from which the outside rain can be both seen and heard.  Remy picks up a brick, preparing to throw it at the glass as a means of escape when Pyro runs in.

**Pyro:** You can't get out that way.

**Remy:** Watch me.

He charges the brick and is just about to hurl it when a vicious dog looking an awful lot like Rahne jumps at the glass, barking and snarling.  Remy sighs and drops the brick, knowing he wouldn't want to hurt her.  He turns to Pyro.

**Remy:** You fight dirty.

**Pyro:** *smirks*

Pyro and Remy reenter the study, where everyone else is already seated and waiting.  Pyro resumes his position at the desk, taking up the envelope's contents once more.

**Pyro:** Ladies and gentlemen, you all have one thing in common; you're all being blackmailed.  For some considerable time, all of you have been paying what you can afford and—in some cases—more than you can afford to someone who threatens to expose you and none of you know who's blackmailing you, do you?

Kitty is the first to speak up.

**Kitty: ***nervously* Oh, please!  I've never heard anything so ridiculous.  I mean, nobody could blackmail me.  My life is an open book—I've never done anything wrong!

She takes a puff of her prop-cigarette, her hand visibly shaking.

**Pyro:** Anybody else wish to deny it?

The rest of them all look amongst themselves, but nobody responds.

**Pyro:** Very well.  As everyone here is in the same boat, there's no harm in my revealing some details, and my instructions are to do so…. Thank you, Yvette.

**Belladonna:** Aw, damnit.

With a disappointed snap of the fingers, she turns to leave.

**Rogue:** *calls out* Don't let the door knob hit ya on the way out!

Belladonna flips her the bird over one shoulder as she exits the room without looking back.  

Once the door is closed, Pyro begins.

**Pyro:** Professor Plum, you were once a professor of psychiatry, specializing in helping paranoid and homicidal lunatics.

**Pietro:** Shall I make you an appointment?

Tabby, Rogue, and Lance attempt to stiffen their laughter.  Pyro glares.

**Ryo:** *off-screen* ONE scene, people!  Is ONE good scene too much to ask for?  …don't answer that.

**Pietro:** That's true, but now I work for the United Nations.

**Pyro:** So your work has not changed.  But you don't practice medicine at the U.N.  His license to practice has been lifted, correct?

Tabby walks up to him.

**Tabby:** Why?  What did he do?

**Pyro:** You know what doctors aren't allowed to do with their lady patients?

**Tabby:** Yeah.

**Pyro:** Well, he did.

Tabby laughs while Kitty gives a look of disgust.

**Kitty:** Oh, how disgusting.

**Lance:** Please, this is Pietro we're talking about.  He's probably proud of it!

Pietro doesn't say anything one way or the other, but grins ominously.

**Pyro:** …are you making moral judgments, Mrs. Peacock?  Then how do you justify taking bribes in return for delivering your husband, Senator Peacock's, vote to certain lobbyists?

**Kitty:** *defensively* My husband is a paid consultant.  There is nothing wrong with that!

**Pyro:** Not if it's publicly declared, perhaps.  But if the payment is delivered by slipping used greenbacks in plain envelopes under the door of the men's room, how would you describe that transaction?

Tabby pokes her head from where she had wandered over behind Kitty.

**Tabby:** I'd say it stinks.

**Kitty:** *mutters* Well, how would you know—when were you in that men's room?

**Pietro:** So it's true!

Kitty stands up.

**Kitty:** No, it's a vicious lie!  Lies, I tell you, all lies!

**Pyro:** I'm sure we're all glad to hear that…but you've been paying blackmail for over a year now t keep that story out of the papers.

As Kitty nervously walks past where Rogue is sitting, Rogue speaks to her.

**Rogue:** Well, I am willing to believe you.  I, too, am being blackmailed for something I didn't do.

**Todd:** Me, too.

**Lance:** And me.

**Tabby:** Not me.

Pyro turn to look at her, surprised.

**Pyro:** You're not blackmailed?

**Tabby:** Oh, I'm being blackmailed, all right.  But I did what I'm being blackmailed for.

**Pietro:**  What did you do?

**Tabby:** Well, to be perfectly frank…

She saunters over to the desk and pulls herself up onto it so that she can sit, legs crossed.

**Tabby:** …I run a specialized hotel and telephone services which provide gentlemen with the company of a young lady for a short while.

Pietro walks over to where she sits, taking out a notepad and pen.

**Pietro:** Oh, yeah?  What's the number.

Tabby rolls her eyes.

**Rogue:** Ah'm startin' ta see where the typecasting comes inta play here.

**Todd:** So how did you know Colonel Mustard works in Washington?  Is he one of your clients?

**Lance:** *incredulously* Certainly not!

**Todd:** I was asking Miss Scarlet!

Lance turns to Tabby.

**Lance:** Well, you tell him it's not true!

**Tabby:** It's not true.

**Pietro:** Is that true?

**Tabby:** No, its not true.

Todd stands up triumphantly.

**Todd:** Ha-Hah!  So it is true!

**Pyro:** A double negative!

Realization suddenly dawns on Lance as he walks over to Tabby.

**Lance:** Double "negative"?  You mean you have…*whispers* photographs?

**Pyro:** That sounds like a confession to me.  In fact, the double negative has led to proof positive—I'm afraid you gave yourself away.

**Lance:** Are you trying to make me look stupid in front of the other guests?

**Pyro: **You don't need any help from me, sir!

**Lance:** That's right!

As Pyro triumphantly walks away, Lance realizes what he just said.

**Lance:** …damnit, he did it to me again!

**Pietro:** But seriously, I don't see what's so terrible about Colonel Mustard visiting a house of ill fame…most soldiers do, don't they?

He places his hand on Tabby's leg, but she immediately removes it.

**Tabby:** Oh, please.

**Pyro:** But he holds a sensitive security post in the Pentagon.  And Colonel, you drive a very expensive car for someone who lives on a colonel's pay.

**Lance:** I don't.  I came into money during the war, when I lost my mommy and daddy.

Pyro is taken aback by this for a moment.  

**Lance:** *triumphantly* That certainly shut you up.  How's it feel to get a taste of your own medicine, huh?  Not so high and mighty, are ya?

**Ryo:** *off-sage* Lance, can we—

**Lance:** SILENCE, WOMAN!  LET ME HAVE MY MOMENT!

**Ryo:** *off-stage* …

**Lance:** …sorry.

**Ryo:** *off-stage* That's better.  Moving on!

Pyro finally recovers, and turn his attention to Rogue.

**Pyro:** Mrs White, you've been paying our friend the blackmailer ever since your husband died under—shall we say—"mysterious circumstances."

Tabby suddenly lets out an amused laughter from her seat on the desk.

**Rogue:** Why is that funny?

**Tabby:** I see.  That's why he was lying on his back…in his coffin.

**Rogue:** *defensively* Ah didn't kill him.

**Lance:** Then why are you paying the blackmailer?

**Rogue:** Ah don't want a scandal, do Ah?  We had had a very humiliating public confrontation.  He was deranged…*taps her head* lunatic.  He didn't actually seem to like me very much…

**Belladonna:** *off-stage, sarcastically* Can't imagine why.

**Rogue:** *ignores her* …He had threatened to kill me in public.

Tabby gives a confused look.

**Tabby:** Why would he want to kill you in public?

**Pyro:** I think she meant he threatened, in public, to kill her.

**Tabby:** Ah.  And was that his final word on the matter?

**Rogue:** Being killed is pretty final, wouldn't ya say?

**Pyro:** And yet he was the one who died.  Not you, Mrs. White, not you.

**Rogue:** …is that supposed to make me feel guilty, or something?

Tabby leans forward curiously.

**Tabby:** What did he do for a living.

**Rogue:** He was a scientist.  Nuclear physics.

**Tabby:** What was he like?

**Rogue:** Ya're a nosy one, aren't ya…he was always a stupidly optimistic man.  Ah mean, Ah'm afraid it came as a great shock to him when he died, but he was found dead at home.  His head had been cut off and so had his…*motions downward*…you know…

Todd, Pietro, and Lance simultaneously cross their legs.

**Rogue:** Ah had been out all evening at the movies.

**Pietro:** …a likely story.

**Tabby:** Do you miss him?

Rogue shrugs.

**Rogue:** Well, it's a matter of life after death.  Now that he's dead, Ah have a life.

**Pyro:** But he was your second husband.  Your first husband also disappeared.

**Rogue:** Well, that was his job.  He was an illusionist.

**Pyro:** …but he never reappeared.

**Rogue:** *shrugging* He wasn't a very good illusionist.

Todd clears his throat suddenly, gaining everyone's attention.  He stands up and removes his prop glasses with the missing lenses.

**Todd:** I have something to say.  I'm not going to wait for Wadsworth here to unmask me.  I work for the state department…and…

He pauses, shuddering slightly, then turns to the camera.

**Todd:** …do I have to say it?

**Ryo:** *off-stage* YES!

**Todd:** But…but…

**Ryo:** *off-stage* Oh, be a man and get it over it.

**Todd:** *mutters* andimahomosexual…

Lance puts one hand to his ear.

**Lance:** I'm sorry, Green.  I'm afraid I didn't catch that.

**Todd:** *reluctantly* …and I'm a homosexual.

Pyro, wide-eyed, slowly turns the pages in his hands to look for his file.  Kitty clucks her tongue in disgust.  Everybody else just stares at Todd.

**Ryo:** *off-stage* _DragonBlond_ would like me to point out that she means no offense to gays or lesbians or Todd whatsoever, and is only adhering to the original script.  Thank you.

**Todd:** I feel no personal shame or guilt about this…though I think I might need some serious therapy when this is all over…but I must keep it a secret or I will lose my job on security grounds.

He pauses briefly, met only with silence.

**Todd:** …thank you.

He puts the fake glasses back on an sits back down on the couch next to Pietro, who rapidly stands up and walks away.  Pietro then turns to stand in front of Remy, who has been casually sitting in the chair the entire time.

**Pietro:** Well, that just leaves Mr. Boddy.

**Tabby:** What's your little secret?

**Pyro:** His secret?  Oh, haven't you guessed?  He's the one who's blackmailing you all.

Lightning cracks outside as everybody freezes in surprise.  Remy lifts his head in smug satisfaction, and Lance furiously stands to face him.

**Lance:** You bastard!

The other guests advance on him angrily as he stands up.  Lance puts up his hands in a boxing-style, issuing a challenge to fight.

**Lance:** Put 'em up!

Remy calmly stomps on his foot, then poking him in the eyes.

**Todd:** Gentlemen…

Nobody listens to Todd's attempt at calming them down.  Lance winces in pain.

**Lance:** If you can't fight fairly, don't fight at all, you—

**Ryo:** *off-stage* PG-13 RATING!

Todd and Pietro try to hold Remy by the arms as Lance recovers, ready to make another go.

Rogue decides to take matters into her own hands.  Calmly, she walks up to Remy, places her hands on his shoulders and knees him in…a very sensitive area.  The guys all wince as Remy keels over in pain.

**Lance:** He's gonna feel that one in the morning.

Behind them, we see Kitty laugh as she claps her hands together in an amusing satisfaction.

**Todd:** Was that necessary, Mrs. White?

**Rogue:** Don't act like ya didn't enjoy seeing that.

**Todd:** That is BESIDES the point…

Amidst the chaos and chatter, Pyro once again attempts to call everyone down.

**Pyro:** Wait!  Wait!  The police are coming.

This certainly gets everyone's attention as they all voices their disapproval.

**Pyro:** Listen!  Blackmail depends on secrecy.  You've all admitted how he's been able to blackmail you.  All you have to do is tell the police.  He'll be convicted and your troubles will be over!

Remy stands up, though still obviously in pain.

**Remy:** *strained* It's not so easy.  You'll never tell the police.

**Pyro:** Then I shall.  I have evidence in my possession, and this conversation is being tape recorded.

**Guests:** …WHAT?!

The scene briefly switches to the Billiard room, where Belladonna is sitting on the pool table, sipping a drink as she toys with one of the billiard balls.  On the table in front of her is an old-fashioned recording device that is recording the conversation as it happens.

**Todd:** [on tape] Point of order—tape recordings are not admissible evidence!

Back in the study, general confusion ensues.

**Pyro:** Ladies and gentlemen, the police will be here in about…*checks his watch*…forty-five minutes.  Tell them the truth, and Mr. Boddy will be behind bars.

Remy starts for the open doorway, but Pyro stops him.

**Pyro:** Where are you going this time?

**Remy:** I think I can help them make up their minds.  Can I just get my little bag from the hall?

He exits the room.

*          *          *          *          *          *

**Ryo:** Okay, I think that's a good place to end it for now.

Everybody collapses into a chair, while diverting their gaze away from Todd, who looks like he's about to have a conniption.  Angrily, he storms off the set, before briefly turning back around, pointing a finger at Ryo.

**Todd:** I'll sue you for emotional damages, you hear me?!

She blinks at him, shaking her head in disbelief.  

**Evan:** And just think…next scene, Remy hands out the weapons.

At this, Ryo gets up and walks over to Pietro, wordlessly dragging him over to his mock-psychiatrist office.  Throwing him in the chair with a pad and pen, she proceeds to lie down on the couch.

**Ryo:** *sighing* I think it all began when a girl around my age asked me to become her muse and direct a fanfic.  It seemed like a good idea at the time…


	4. Weapons and the Death of Mr Boddy

Sorry for the wait!  I've been…um…a little occupied the last few days…

~~~~~~~~~~~

The casts sits leisurely around the green room, some on couches or chairs, some on the floor, and all of them in-costume.  In the center of the room, there is a big-screen TV playing _Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets_ on DVD.  Jamie, of course, sits about two feet from the screen with wide eyes.  He even has on one of those wizard hats and waves a fake wand around.  Then again, everybody else seems just as transfixed on the movie as he is. 

Ryo wanders in, her nose buried in a thick hard-cover book.  Jubilee is the first to notice the title cover.

**Jubilee:** *gasps* Where did you get that?!

Ryo looks up, then at the book cover.  It reads _Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix_.  She shrugs.

**Ryo:** _DragonBlond_'s had this thing pre-ordered since February.

**Jubilee:** Does _she_ know you have it?

As if on cue, a female voice could be heard somewhere in the background:

**Voice in Background:** _Hey, bro, have you seen my new book? I've only read it three times!_

**Ryo:** Um…yes?

She gulps nervously before hiding the book behind her back and getting business-like again.

**Ryo:** Okay guys, put that thing on pause for now…it's time for the next scene….

*          *          *          *          *          *

_Remy re-enters the study with a briefcase in hand.  Placing it on the nearest table, he opens it to reveal a number of boxes wrapped up like presents._

**Remy:** Who can guess what's in here, eh?

**Kitty:** The evidence against us, no doubt.

_Remy chuckles as he starts handing them out._

**Tabby:** We didn't know we were meeting you tonight.  Did you know you were meeting us?

**Remy:** Oh, yes.

**Rogue:** What were ya told, precisely?

**Remy:** Merely that you were all meeting to discuss our little…"financial agreements." And if I did not appear, Wadsworth would be informing the police about it all.  Naturally, I could hardly resist putting in an appearance.

**Rogue:** Always gotta make an entrance, huh, Swamp Rat?

_He finishes handing out the packages, then elbows his way to the door before turning back around._

**Remy:** Open 'em.

**Evan:** *off-stage* Y'know, he kinda sounds like someone from an Italian mafia in this scene.

**Ryo:** *off-stage* Shh!

_Everybody else scatters to find seats.  Tabby sits back down on the desk._

**Tabby:** Why not?  I enjoy getting presents from strange men…and you're about as strange as they come.

_Removing the fancy ribbon holding it together, she opens the box to reveal…a candlestick._

~*DUN-DUN-DUN*~

**Tabby:** A candlestick? What's this for?

_Rogue opens her box and reveals a good length of rope…tied in a noose._

~*DUN-DUN-DUN*~

_She looks up towards the heavens with a smile._

**Rogue:** *mouths* Thank ya!

_Todd takes his long, thin box into one hand, allowing the contents to fall out in the other.  It's a bent lead pipe._

~*DUN-DUN-DUN*~

_Lance opens his box and pulls out…a heavy wrench._

~*DUN-DUN-DUN*~

_Pietro takes the lid off his package and looks in, gingerly pulling out a revolver._

~*DUN-DUN-DUN*~

_Lance eyes him nervously.  Pietro suddenly grins to himself._

**Pietro:** *sings softly* Petey's got a gun…

_Finally, the camera reveals Kitty, who is nervously holding her gift…a sharp dagger._

~*DUN-DUN-DUN*~

**Remy:** In your hands, you each have a lethal weapon….

**Tabby:** Lethal?!  How lethal can a _candlestick_ be?  

_Todd turns to face Lance and Pietro._

**Todd:** Yo, didn't we have this conversation before?

**Bobby:** [from sound effects booth] *coughredwitchplugcough*

**Ryo:** *off-screen* When I said you'd do sound effects, that's _not_ what I had in mind, Bobby!

**Remy:** If you denounce me to the police, you will also be exposed and humiliated.  I'll see to that in court.  But…if one of you kills Wadsworth now…

_A close-up of Pyro's eyes opening wide in shock is seen._

**Remy:** …no one but the seven of us will ever know.  

_Remy saunters around the room as he speaks._

**Remy:** He has the key to the front door, which he said would only be opened over his dead body.  I suggest we take him up on that offer.

**Pyro:** I…suggest we don't.

_Remy goes over to the light switch with ease, closing the door to the hallway and setting his drink down._

**Remy:** The only way to avoid finding yourself on the front page is for one of you to kill Wadsworth.  Now.

_He turns off the lights, plunging the room into darkness…_

_…almost._

**Todd:** Yo, I can still see.

**Tabby:** That's 'cause the fireplace is still lit, genius.

**Ryo:** *off-stage* Pyro, if you don't mind?

_With a wave of his hand, Pyro puts out the flames, plunging the room into darkness for real this time._

_A serious of noises can be heard in the dark._

~*sound of a body hitting the floor*~

~*a gunshot*~

~*a woman screaming*~

**Ryo:** *off-stage* CUT!  Bobby, you played it backwards!

**Bobby: ***sound effects room* I played it just as it says in the script!

**Ryo:** *off-stage* What?  Lemme see that…[pause]…well whatdoya know?  Huh.  Chalk that up as a screw up on their part.  Okay, continue…

_The lights go back on, courtesy of Kitty.  She then looks down and drops the dagger in shock.  The camera reveals Remy lying prone on the floor._

**Lance:** It's not Wadsworth!

**Pyro:** No shit, Sherlock.

_The guests all clutter around him.  Pietro kneels down beside the body._

**Pietro:** Stand back!  Give him air!  Let me see…

_He checks Remy's wrists and neck for signs of a pulse._

**Pietro:** He's dead!

**Rogue:** Who had the gun?

**Pietro:** *standing up* I did!

**Kitty:** Then you shot him!

**Pietro:** I didn't!

**Kitty:** Well, you had the gun.  If you didn't shoot him, who did?

_Remy's body is turned over so he lies on his back.  No wound is visible._

**Pietro: **Nobody!  Look, there's no gunshot wound.  Somebody tried to grab the gun from me in the dark, and the gun went off!

**Lance:** A likely story.

_Pietro suddenly points to a place off-camera._

**Pietro:** Look!  The bullet broke that vase on the mantel!

_Everybody rushes for the mantle simultaneously, causing confusion._

**Lance:** He's absolutely right; look, there's a bullet hole here in the wall.

_Todd grabs Pietro by his shirt lapels, shaking him._

**Todd:** How did he die?!

**Pietro:** I-I-I do-o-o-on't kno-o-o-o-ow!

_He manages to shove Todd away._

**Pietro:** I'm _not_ a _forensic_ expert!

_Rogue takes off her hat and throws it to the side in frustration._

**Rogue:** Well, one of us must have killed him!

**Todd:**  Well, _I_ didn't do it!

_Kitty looks like she about to faint._

**Kitty:** Oh, I need a drink!

_She goes over to the door and picks up Remy's cognac, inhaling the rest in one gulp._

_Pietro points to her suddenly._

**Pietro:** *in alarm* Maybe he was poisoned!

_Kitty drops the glass in revulsion and starts to scream…and scream…and scream…_

**Remy:** That sounds familiar.

**Ryo:** *off-screen* Shut up and act dead, Remy!

_Todd guides her to the sofa, attempting to offer words of comfort.  Kitty sits down, but refuses to stop screaming._

_Todd slaps her._

_Caught by surprise, Kitty forgets to continue screaming and slaps him back in anger._

_Todd falls to the floor as everybody stares at them._

**Todd:** *weakly* I…had to stop her from screaming…

**Pietro:** Was the brandy poisoned?

**Todd:** I don't know!

_Tabby walks over and picks up the empty glass._

**Tabby:** Looks like we'll never know.

_Todd finally gets up and turns to look at Kitty._

**Todd:** Unless…unless she dies, too.

_They all rush over to stare at Kitty, who looks unnerved by their closeness._

_A scream suddenly erupts from somewhere, evoking a gasp from everyone.  They all begin running out into the hall…_

**Ryo:** *off-stage* Hold it!  Rogue…put the rope down.

_Grudgingly, Rogue places the noose back in the study, then meets up with the others._

_Following the scream, they all gather in front of the billiard room.  Todd tries to open the door._

**Todd:** It's locked!

**Pyro:** *pounding on the door* Open up!

**Pietro:** It must be the murderer.

**Todd:** …why would he scream?

**Rogue:** He must have a victim in there—oh, mah God, Yvette!

**Todd:** *dramatically* Oh, my God!

_The door opens, and everybody pours in.   Belladonna stands there, obviously upset._

**Pyro:** You're alive!

**Belladonna:** No thanks to you!

**Pyro:** What do you mean?

**Belladonna:** You lock me up with a murderer, you idiot!

**Rogue:** So the murderer _is_ in this room?

**Belladonna:** Mai Oui!

**Todd:** But where?

**Belladonna:** Where?  'ere!

_Todd takes a few cautious back steps and peeks behind the door._

**Belladonna:** We are all looking at 'im…or 'er.  Most likely 'er.

**Rogue:** *glaring* Ooh, y'all are SO lucky she made meh leave the rope behind.

**Belladonna:** Is what Mrs. White said in ze study—one of you is ze killer!

**Pietro:** How did you know she said that?

**Belladonna:** *matter-of-factly* I was listening!

**Rogue:** But why were ya screaming in here all by ya'self?

**Belladonna:** *upset* Because I am frightened.  Me too, I also drank ze cognac.  *starts sobbing* Mon Diou, I can't stay in here by myself.

**Rogue:** Oh, suck it up, ya big drama queen.

_Tabby and Lance walk over to Belladonna._

**Tabby:** Come back to the study wit us.

**Belladonna:** With ze murderer!?

**Lance:** *shaking the wrench* There is safety in numbers…my dear.

_He realizes what he's doing and quickly puts the wrench away._

**Todd: **Tell that to the Cajun, yo.

**Rogue:** *to camera* How come _he_ gets to hold onto his weapon?!

_With the two of them guiding a sobbing Belladonna, the guests all leave the room.  After they are gone, Pyro walks over to the tape machine, turns it off, and removes the spools._

_Back in the study, everybody else stands around, completely befuddled._

**Todd:** Is there no indication of how he died?

**Pietro:** No.

_Pyro is having a minor fit._

**Pyro:** *to himself* This is terrible…this is absolutely terrible!  It's not what I'd intended.  Oh, my God…

**Rogue:** Not what _y'all_ intended?!

**Tabby:** So you're not the butler?

**Pyro:** I'm not THE butler, but I am A butler.  In fact, I was HIS butler…stop smiling, Remy.

**Pietro:** So, if he told you to invite us all to his house, why did he arrive late?

**Pyro:** I invited you.  In fact, I wrote the letters.  It was all my idea.

**Rogue:** Wait a minute.  Ah-Ah don't understand.  Why did ya invite us here ta meet ya late employer?  Were ya assisting him ta blackmail us?

**Pyro:** Certainly not!

**Rogue:** Ah think ya had better explain.

**Pyro:** Please sit down.  Everyone.

_Everybody manages to find a seat, except for Todd.  Every time he thinks he's found one, somebody gets to it first.  In the end, he settles for leaning against one of the serving tables._

**Pyro:** When I said that I was Mr. Boddy's butler, this was both true and misleading.  I was once his butler, but it was not his untimely death this evening that brought my employment with him to an end.

**Lance:** When did it come to end?

**Pyro:** When my wife decided to…end her life.

_Out of nowhere, Pietro pulls out a violin and starts playing it in the background. Pyro continues his speech over the music._

**Pyro:** She, too, was being blackmailed by this odious man who now lies dead before us.  

**Remy:** Remy can hear y', y' know.

**Ryo: ***off-stage* Why do I bother?

**Pyro:** He hated my wife for the same reason that he hated all of you.  He believed you were all thoroughly…un-American…

_Todd's serving table gives way just thin, landing him (and several pieces of crystal) on the floor.  The 'music' comes to a screeching halt, and the violin disappears.  He hastily gets up, embarrassed._

**Todd:** …sorry.

_Pyro continues with the sob-story._

**Pyro:** For some reason, he felt that it was inappropriate for a senator to have a corrupt wife…

_More than one person opens their mouth to comment, but then thinks better of it._

**Pyro:** …for a doctor to take advantage of his patients, for a wife to emasculate her husband and…and…so forth.

**Todd:** But this is ridiculous!  If he was such a patriotic American, why didn't he just report us to the authorities?

**Pyro:** He decided to put his information to good use and make a little money out of it.  What could be more American than that?

_Several people nod._

**Lance:** *sings softly* And I'm proud to be an American…

**Pietro: **And what was your role in all this?

**Pyro:** I was…a victim, too.  At least my wife was.  She had friends who were…

_He seems to struggle with himself, as it is obviously painful for him._

**Pyro:** …Socialists.

_Gasps and mutters come from several of the guests.  Kitty shakes her head disapprovingly._

**Todd:** Um…what's a Socialist?

_He looks to Tabby, who shrugs._

**Pyro:** *holding back tears* Well, we all make mistakes…

_Rogue pulls a tissue from her bra and gives it to him._

**Belladonna: **I knew it!  You stuff your bra, don't you?

**Rogue:** *sweetly* No, only you do that, Sugah.

_Pyro dabs at his eyes a bit before continuing._

**Pyro:** But Mr. Boddy threatened to give my wife's name to the House Un-American Activities Committee unless she named them.  She refused, and so he blackmailed her.  We had no money, and the price of his silence was that we work for him for nothing.  We wee slaves!  Well, to make a long story short—

**Lance:** *bored* Too late.

_Beside him, Pietro abruptly wakes up, having fallen asleep sometime during the speech._

**Pyro:** —the suicide of my wife preyed on my mind an created a sense of injustice in me.  I resolved to put Mr. Boddy behind bars.  It seemed to be the best way to do it, and free all of you from the same burden of blackmail was to get everyone face to face, confront Mr. Boddy with his crime, and then…turn him over to the police.

_Everybody suddenly stands up and applauds Pyro._

**Pietro:** Wonderful, masterful…worthy of an Oscar!

_He whistles, as Pyro takes a bow._

**Pyro:** Thank you, thank you…I'll be here 'till Thursday.

**Lance:** And probably longer!

**Ryo:** *off-stage* Guys…please…I'm begging you!

_Everyone sits back down again._

**Pietro:** So, everything is explained.

**Tabby:** Nothing's explained.  We still don't know who killed him!

**Pyro:** Well, the point is, we've got to find out in the next thirty-nine minutes before the police arrive!

**Kitty:** My God, we can't have them come here now!

**Todd:** But…how can we possibly find out which of you did it?

**Pietro:** What do you mean "which of you did it"?

**Todd:** Well, _I_ didn't do it!

**Pyro:** Well, one of us did.  We all had the opportunity, we all had a motive.

**Lance:** We all had the weapons HE gave us…

_Tabby stands up._

**Tabby:** Great!  We'll all go to the chair!

**Pietro:** Maybe it wasn't one of us.

**Lance:** Well, who else could it have been?

**Pietro:** Who else is in the house.

_Pyro and Belladonna look at one another._

**Pyro/Belladonna:** Only the cook…

_Realization dawns on everybody simultaneously._

**All:** The cook!

*          *          *          *          *          *

**Ryo:** That's a wrap, people.  

Remy jumps up less than a second later, and joins the rest of the group in walking back to the green room.  No sooner do they open the door, when the distinctive voices of Jubilee and Amara ring out.

**Jubilee:** Harry!

**Amara:** Ron!

**Jubilee:** Harry!

**Amara:** Ron!

**Jubilee:** Harry!

**Amara:** Ron!

Everyone stares at them in bewilderment.

**Ryo:** …do I dare ask?

Roberto speaks up from his seat over in one corner, obviously looking quite fatigued.

**Roberto:** They've been at it since halfway through the scene.  Tryin' to guess who Hermione will end up with by the end of the series.

**Pietro:** Ah…the never-ending debate.  

**Ryo:** Whatever…I'm just gonna go take the book and find someplace quiet to read.

With the book in her hand, she turns to leave the room when a voice suddenly rings out.

**Voice in Background:** _RYO!!!_

She gulps nervously, then turns back around and hops on the nearest couch, where Jamie, Belladonna, Lance, and Kitty were sitting.

**Ryo:** On second thought…pass the popcorn.


	5. Victim 2 and Boddy dies AGAIN

Well, I've just started on my new summer job and beginning to settle into a schedule.  Now, happily, I'll be able to have more time for some writing…and speaking of, before I continue on with this fic, I have two small A/N for you readers out there:

1) A few people have been asking about this, so I want to set the record straight.  _Primary Colors_ is NOT on hold.  I've simply been trying to work out a few plot holes I discovered in the next few chapters, jotting a few notes along the way.  I'm already finish with my sketch of chapter 12 and a quarter of the first draft (the order goes: notes—outline—sketch—first draft—final draft, just to be thorough).  Keep an eye out, it should be up soon.

2) While I was walking my puppy around the cemetery yard by my house a few days ago (weird as it sounds, it has one of the most beautiful overlook views in the entire town, and my family has a memorial bench placed on one hill in honor of my late grandparents), I started getting ideas for a one-shot fic on how Ryo would have been introduced to the Evo world.  Now, I know OC fics aren't too popular around here, but since many of you are already familiar with her character, I was wondering if there was anyone actually interested in reading it…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As everybody else headed towards the set for the next scene, Remy chose to have a seat next to Ryo where he could wait until his presence was needed again.  She looked up from the script in her hands for a moment to greet him with a smile.

**Ryo:** Hey, Remy…you know, I was just wondering something.  How did you manage to pull such a non-Cajun accent out there?

He responded with a shrug.

**Remy:** Simple, _p'tite_.  Remy jus' use his voice from de Evolution cartoon.

**Ryo:** Ah…

*          *          *          *          *          *

_Every hastily rushes from the study to the kitchen, getting stuck in the doorway.  Todd, being the smallest, manages to squeeze through.  He steps down into the kitchen, pausing in front of the freezer and looking around._

**Todd:** Well…he's not here.

_On cue, the door to the freezer slowly begins to creak open._

_Tabby lets out an ear-piercing scream._

_Todd swiftly turns around in time to see Fred's body tumble out, eyes rolling to the back of his head.  He just barely has enough time to scream like a girl…_

**Todd:** I didn't do it!

_…before Fred lands on top of him, squashing the poor boy to the ground.  With his back in the air, a large dagger sticking out is clearly visible._

**Todd:** *muffled sounds*

_Everybody crowds around, trying to push Fred off of him.  _

**Lance:** Now that's what I call "dead" weight.

~*rimshot*~

_Everybody groans, on- and off-stage._

**Lance:** …what?

_Finally, after a moment (and a little assistance from Forge and his miniature forklift), they succeed in freeing Todd._

**Todd:** *gasping* Air…life flashing before eyes…darkness…

_As he lies on the floor, dazed, the others crowd around the body.  One person reaches for the knife, but Lance stops them._

**Lance:** Don't touch it.  That's evidence.

**Rogue:** Not for us.  We have ta find out who did this—we can't take fingerprints!

_Lance gets up, turning to Pyro._

**Lance:** I think you'd better explain yourself, Wadsworth.

**Pyro:** *defensively* Me?  Why me?  I didn't do it!

**Todd:** *still dazed on the floor*  My…line…

_A few seconds later, he manages to sit up._

**Todd:** Who would want to kill the cook?

**Tabby:** Dinner wasn't that bad.

**Lance:** How can you make _jokes_ at a time like this?

_She stands up defensively._

**Tabby:** It's my defense mechanism.

**Lance:** *scoffs* Some defense.  If I was the killer, I would kill _you_ next!

_Everybody turns to stare at him, shocked.  Tabby folds her arms and raises an amused eyebrow._

**Tabby:** …oh?

_There's an uncomfortable silence where Lance looks around nervously._

**Lance:** …I said "if".  *IF*!  Hey, come on.  There is only one admitted killer here, and it is certainly not me.  It is her!

_He points directly at Rogue._

**Rogue:** Ah've admitted nothing.

_She slowly backs away as he puts her on the spotlight._

**Lance:** Well, you paid the blackmail.  How many husbands have you had?

**Rogue:** Mine or other women's.

**Lance:** Yours.

**Rogue:** Five.

**Lance:** Five?

**Rogue:** Yes, just the five.  Husbands should be like Kleenex: soft, strong, and disposable.

**Tabby:** Amen!

**Lance:** You lure men to their deaths like a spider with flies!

**Rogue:** Flies are where men are most vulnerable.

**Lance:** Right!

_There's another moment's pause in which Lance realizes what he just said.  Again._

**Lance:** Well, if it wasn't you, then who was it?  Who had the dagger, anyway…it was YOU, Mrs. Peacock, wasn't it?

_He turns towards the stairway, where Pietro and Kitty were standing._

**Kitty:** *stammering* Y-yes, but I put it down.

_Pietro turns to her abruptly._

**Pietro:** Where?

**Kitty:** In the study.

**Pietro:** When?

**Kitty:** I don't know!  Before I fainted, after I fai—I don't know!  But any one of you could have picked it up.

_Pyro speaks up, remaining calm._

**Pyro:** Hmm.  Look, I suggest we take the cook's body into the study.

**Lance:** Why?

**Pyro:** I'm the butler.  I like to keep the kitchen tidy.

**Tabby:** Didn't you say already you're NOT the butler?

**Pyro:** Quiet, you.

_The next shot is of the study doorway from the inside.  All the men of the group appear to be lugging Fred's body inside…but if you look reeeeally closely, you can see Forge inside the min-forklift right behind them.  Even without him, however, they manage to block the women's view of inside._

_Pietro suddenly points to something, letting go of his pretend-hold on Fred._

**Pietro:** Look!

**Pyro/Todd:** What?

**Pietro:** The body's gone!

_The rest of them all 'drop' Fred in surprise._

**Kitty:** What are you all staring at?

**Todd:** Nothing…

**Kitty:** Well, who's there?

**Lance:** Nobody.

**Pyro:** Nobody.  No Boddy, that's what we mean.  Mr. Boddy's body.  It's gone!

_Rogue peeks her head over their shoulders_

**Rogue:** Maybe he wasn't dead.

**Pietro:** He was!

**Rogue:** Oh, what do ya know, anyway?

**Pietro:** Hey!

**Tabby:** We should have made sure.

**Kitty:** How?  By cutting his head off, I suppose.

**Rogue:** That was uncalled for.  Although, now that ya mention it…

_Tabby pushes her way through them, frustrated._

**Tabby:** Where is he?!

**Pietro:** We better look for him.

_They all file in the room, forgetting about the –other- body for a moment as they search for Remy.  After a moment, Todd speaks up._

**Todd:** Well…he couldn't have been dead.

**Pietro:** He was!  At least, I thought he was, but…what difference does it make now?

**Tabby:** It makes quite a difference to him.  Maybe there is life after death.

_Rogue turns to look at her as if she's sprouted horns._

**Rogue:** Life after death is as improbable as sex after marriage.

_A light suddenly goes on above Todd's head._

**Todd:** Maybe Mr. Boddy killed the cook!

**Rogue/Tabby:** Yes!

_There's a moment's pause._

**Pyro:** How?

_Todd is at a sudden loss for words._

**Pietro:** …don't you just love these little theories of his?

_Meanwhile, Kitty speaks up near the doorway._

**Kitty:** Well, if you'll excuse me, I have to…um…

_She turns to Belladonna._

**Kitty:** *whispers* Is there a little girl's room?

**Belladonna:** Oui, oui, madame.

**Kitty:** No, I just want to powder my nose, thank you.

_She walks out of the room, leaving Belladonna looking bewildered, and stepping over Fred's corpse into the hall._

_Tabby, looking through some of the papers on the desk, picks up something._

**Tabby:** What's this, Wadsworth?

**Pyro:** I'm afraid those are the negatives to which Colonel Mustard earlier referred.

**Lance:** Oh, my God!

_He makes a go for them_

**Tabby:** Were you planning to blackmail him, Wadsworth?

**Pyro:** Um…no.  I'd obtained them for the Colonel, and I was going to…er…give them back as soon as Mr. Boddy was unmasked.

_Tabby glances at them, smirking._

**Tabby:** Hmm…very pretty.  Would you like to see these, Yvette?  They might shock you…

**Belladonna:** No, merci.  I am a "lay-dee."

_Rogue snorts with laughter; Belladonna tries to ignore her._

**Tabby:** Oh?  How do you know what kind of pictures they are if you're such a "lay-dee"?

_She and Rogue share a small high-five._

**Belladonna:** Oh, I should've known…

**Ryo:** *off-stage* Settle this on your own time, girls!  Keep going!

**Pietro:** What sort of pictures are they?

**Lance:** They are _my_ pictures, and I'd like them back, please.

_He tries to take them from Tabby, but she pulls away._

**Tabby:** No, I'm afraid there's something in them that concerns me too.

_Pietro manages to snatch them out of her hand, walking over to a better-lighted area so he can see them.  Rogue peeks over his shoulder._

**Rogue:** Oh, my…

_Pietro's eyes go wide, and he almost starts to drool._

**Rogue:** Nobody can get inta that position.

**Pietro:** Sure they can.  Let me show you.

_Putting the pictures down, he lays her on the couch and begins to demonstrate._

**Rogue:** Pietro Maximoff, if y'all don't get off me right now, they'll be dragging ya lifeless body off this set an' it _won't_ be acting.

_That, on top of the death glare she gives him, is more than enough to earn a small 'eep' from him._

**Ryo:** *off-stage* A little something for the Rietro fans right there…

_In the hallway, Kitty opens the door the bathroom.  Remy's body falls out, landing in her outstretched arms.  Needless to say, she screams bloody murder.  Hearing her scream, the others rush out into the hallway to help._

**Pietro:** Mr. Boddy!

**Todd:** He's attacking her!

_They all move to pull the corpse off of him, but Kitty beat the guys to it.  Fed up, she gave Remy a swift kick in the stomach, sending him back three or four feet, into the wall._

**Remy:** Ow…

_Wincing, he tried to get up, only to have Rogue and Belladonna push him back down again._

**Remy:** What was _dat_ fo'?

**Rogue:** For attacking Kitty!

**Remy:** But…but…

**Ryo:** *off-stage* Come on…back to the script.

_Carefully eyeing the two girls, Remy slips back into position…lying on the floor, fake blood dripping down his head._

**Rogue:** Well, he's dead.

**Pyro:** Mr. Boddy…dead.  Again!

_Kitty begins fanning herself._

**Kitty:** Oh, my God…

**Pyro:** She's going to faint.

**Pietro:** Somebody catch her!

_Pyro gets up and moves behind Kitty with his arms circling around her waist._

**Pyro:** I'll catch you.  Fall into my arms…

_She phases through and falls to the floor._

**Pyro:** Heh…oops?

_Rogue looks up at Todd._

**Rogue:** Ya've got blood on ya hands…

_Todd looks at them panicky, taking out a handkerchief._

**Todd:** I didn't do it!

**Pyro:** He's got new injuries.

_Pyro picks up Remy's hand and lets go; it flops to the floor._

**Pyro:** Well, he's certainly dead now.  Why would anyone want to kill him twice?

_Everybody turns to look at Rogue and Belladonna._

**Rogue/Belladonna:** …what?

**Tabby:** It seems so unnecessary.

**Lance:** It's what we call "overkill"…

_Everybody groans._

**Lance:** *defensively* It's in the script!

**Pietro:** It's what we call "psychotic."

**Todd:** Unless he wasn't dead before.

**Pietro:** Oh, what's the difference?

**Pyro:** THAT'S WHAT WE'RE TRYING TO FIND OUT!  WE'RE TRYING TO FIND OUT WHO KILLED HIM, AND WHERE, AND WITH WHAT!

**Pietro:** …there's no need to shout.

**Pyro:** *louder* I'M NOT SHOUTING!!!

_Everybody stares at him._

**Pyro:** ALL RIGHT, I AM.  I'M SHOUTING, I'M SHOUTING, I'M SHOUT—

_The candlestick, somehow having gotten above the bathroom door, falls and hits him on the head.  Pyro falls to the floor._

_Back in the study, Kitty had evidently recovered…somehow.  The girls are all carrying the much heavier Fred into the room, while the men have the lighter Remy._

_Lance is issuing orders._

**Lance:** Okay, put the corpses on the sofa.  Ladies first.

The girls all stare down at Fred.  Tabby nudges him.

**Tabby:** *whispers* You know, you _could_ help us out a little here, Freddie.

Fred lets out a sudden snore.  The others stare at him incredulously.

**Rogue:** Ah don't believe this!

_A few minutes later, Forge manages to attach a few nearly-invisible wires to assist the girls.  With sounds of exertion, they just barely manage to lift Fred.  Pyro walks behind them, an ice pack to his head._

**Pyro:** Careful.  Don't get blood on the sofa.

_They manage to pull him to a sitting position, but face a slight problem._

**Belladonna:** How do we do zis?  Ze dagger will go further into 'is back.

**Lance:** Tip him forward, over the arm.

_They do so._

**Lance:** Now Mr. Boddy.

_The guys all lift him up, having a much easier time.  Somehow, poor Pietro gets stuck between the two corpses on the couch._

**Pietro:** Oh, I am _so_ joining Todd in that therapy session for this…

**Lance:** Now, Who—

_Lance begins, but is pauses by the unnerving sensation of having Remy staring at him.  He closes the eyes._

**Lance:** Who had access to the candlestick?

_Rogue turns to Tabby._

**Rogue:** It was given to you.

**Tabby:** Yeah, but I dropped it on the table.  Anyone could have picked it up.  You…him…

_Pyro starts circling the room, picking up the weapons as he goes._

**Pyro:** Look.  We still have all these weapons.  The gun…the rope…the wrench…the lead pipe.  Let's put them all in this cupboard and lock it.  There's a homicidal maniac about!

**Tabby:** Gee, what was your first clue?

**Todd:** Um…isn't anybody going to mention the fact that the candlestick and knife are still out in the open?

_Everybody turns to stare at him, blinking._

**Todd:** Right.  First rule of a cliché murder mystery…weapons never used more than once.

_Pyro throws the [remaining] weapons in a large, wooden cupboard as everyone states their approval…but then he moves to pocket the key after locking it._

**Todd:** What are you doing with the key?

**Pyro:** Putting it in my pocket.  Duh.

**Todd:** Why?

**Pyro:** Well, to keep it safe, obviously.

_Kitty stands up, having a little trouble keeping the feathers in her hair from falling in her face._

**Kitty:** That means that you can open it whenever you want!

**Pyro:** But it also means that you can't.

**Kitty:** But what if you're the murderer?!

**Pyro:** *wide-eyed* I'm not!

**Lance:** Oh, come on.  Haven't you ever heard the phrase "the _butler_ did it."

**Pyro:** Um…did I mention I'm not _the_ butler?

**Pietro:** Very weak, Johnny-boy.

**Pyro:** Well, it's got to be put somewhere.  If I got it, I know I'm safe.

**Kitty:** We don't know that WE are!

_Pyro thinks about it, then clasps his hands together._

**Pyro:** I've an idea.  We'll throw it away!

_Everyone agrees, and they—once more—run out into the hallway and up to the front door.  Wadsworth pulls it open, preparing to throw the key…_

_…Kurt, who had just been about to ring the bell, ducks for cover._

*          *          *          *          *          *

**Ryo:** Cut!  Okay, people, we're done for today…*to herself*…y'know, I'm surprised.  They're sticking more and more to the script, and staying in character for much longer periods of time…

As if one cue, the sounds of Todd panicking, Rogue and Belladonna screeching, Kitty loudly fanning herself as she tries to calm everyone down, Pietro trying to flirt with Tabby AND Belladonna, and Lance complaining how much he's "starting to sound like Summers!"

**Ryo:** …then again, maybe there was more typecasting into it than I thought.


	6. The motorist and hunting for a murderer

I apologize for the recent lack of updates.  Technically, I'm _still_ recovering from this past three days of hell known as Fourth of July weekend and have had no energy to write or even face any more people.  To make up for it, I made this chapter a little longer than usual.

As a non-important side note, Fred and George Weasley are my two new heroes.  See chapter 29 of The Order of The Phoenix for explanations.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As per usual, the entire cast of _Whodunit_ is sitting around the green room, thoroughly enjoying their brief hiatus.  Ryo, who had been doing a little bit of internet surfing in one corner, suddenly speaks up.

**Ryo:** Hey, you guys.  Apparently on all these interact-fic forms, they're asking questions like "what song best describes your character."

This gains her the attention of the room as everybody begins to consider it.  Sam and Rogue look at one another simultaneously.

**Sam/Rogue:** "Sweet Home, Alabama"

Kitty speaks up from her spot on Lance's lap.

**Kitty:** I dunno, Rogue…there's this new song by Kelly Clarkson called "Miss Independent" that fits you pretty well.

One by one, everybody starts thinking up song names.

**Bobby:** "Ice, Ice, Baby."

**Colossus:** "Iron Man"

**Evan:** "Skater Boy"

**Jamie:** "You are not alone"

**Tabby:** "Boom Boom Fire"

**Scott:** "Leader of the Pack"

**Kurt:** "I'm Blue"

**Amara: **"Great Balls of Fire"

**Lance:** "You Rock My World"

**Ray:** "Electric Avenue"

**Roberto:** "Soak up the Sun"

**Pietro:** "Mambo no. 5"

Everybody turns to stare at him questioningly.  Pietro grins back.

**Pietro:** *singing* A little bit of Monica in my life, a little bit of Erica by my side, a little bit of Rita's all I need, a little bit of Tina's all I see…

Todd sits up in his seat, smirking.

**Todd:** I don't need to pick one.  I have my very own theme song.  Top THAT!

Everybody groans as he starts humming the song from _The Toad, the Witch, and the Wardrobe._

**Jubilee:** What about you, Ry?

**Ryo:** _DragonBlond_ put down "What a Feeling" by Irene Cara.  I'd say the lyrics fit pretty well.  Anyhow, it's time for the next scene, you guys…to the set!

*          *          *          *          *          *

_Upon seeing Kurt standing there, Pyro hastily puts the key away with eyes wide in surprise._

**Pyro:** Sorry…

_He laughs nervously._

**Pyro:** Sorry…Can we help?

**Kurt:** I'm sorry.  I didn't mean to disturb ze whole household, but…_mein_ car broke down, _und_ I was wondering if I could use your phone.

**Ryo:** *off-stage* English, please, Kurt.

**Kurt:** Sorry.

**Pyro:** Just a moment, please.

_The guests all huddle together, whispering.  Todd briefly peeks his head back up, but is pulled back down by one of the guys.  Kurt—understandably—looks rather confused.  After a few seconds pass, the group simultaneous turns to him, grinning._

**Kurt:** *gulps nervously* 

**Pyro:** Very well, sir, would you care to come in?

_Everybody stands off to one side as Kurt enters the room._

**Kurt:** Well?  Where is it?

**Pyro:** What, the body?

**Kurt:** The phone.  What body?

**Pyro:** *stammers nervously* Well, there's no body.  There's nobody…there's nobody in the study.

**Party:** No!

_Kurt eyes them warily._

**Pyro:** But I think there's a phone in the lounge.

**Kurt:** Thank you…I think.

_Pyro leads him down the hallway to the Lounge, motioning towards the phone._

**Pyro:** When you're finished your call, perhaps you'd be good enough to wait here.

**Kurt:** Certainly.  I mean, what could happen…

_Pyro closes the door to the lounge and locks it._

_Lance walks up behind him and places a hand on his shoulder.  Pyro gives a yelp of fright as he turns around._

**Lance:** Where the key?

**Pyro:** In my pocket.

**Pietro:** Not that key; the key to the cupboard with the weapons!

**Pyro:** Do you still wish me to throw it away?

**All:** YES!

_Pyro opens the front door, takes the key from his pocket, and hurls it out into the pouring rain._

**Todd:** …when did it start raining again.

**Ryo:** *off-screen* Storm's back from her break.

_We see it land on the cement pavement and bounce into the bushes._

**Pyro:** Well, what now?

_Rogue storms up to him, holding out her hand.  She is obviously upset._

**Rogue:** Wadsworth, let me out.

**Pyro:** No.

**Rogue:** Why not?

**Pyro:** We've got to know who did it.  We're all in this together now

**Kitty:** If you leave, I'll say that you killed them both.

_A general agreement is shown from the rest of the guests._

**Rogue:** Traitors

_She leans in close to Pyro, playing with his tie._

**Rogue:** Oh, Wadsworth.  Ah'll make ya sorry ya ever started this.  One day, when we're alone together…

**Pyro:** Mrs. White, no man in his right mind would be "alone together" with you.

**Rogue:** *sniff* …ya don't hafta rub that little fact in, ya know.

**Pyro:** I didn't mean it that way, _Sheila_…

_She glares at him as she pulls harder on his tie, choking him.  Snickering is heard in the background._

**Rogue:** …shut up, Belladonna.

_Lance speaks up suddenly._

**Lance:** Well, I could use a drink!

_Once again, there is a general agreement amidst the crowd.  Lance head down the hall, pausing to peek in the study._

**Lance:** Just checking.

**Kitty:** Everything all right?

**Lance:** Yup.  Two corpses.  Everything's fine.

_Lance is pouring himself a VERY tall glass of whisky._

**Lance:** …out of curiosity, where did you get this stuff anyway?

**Ryo:** *off-screen* Logan's secret stash.

**Lance/Pietro:** Sweet.

**Lance:** Anybody else want a drink?

_A few people answer "yes."_

_He fills a whole bunch of other glasses at once, spilling the drink all over the table, then picks up his own glass._

**Lance:** All right.  Look, pay attention, everybody…

_He walks up to Pyro._

**Lance:** Wadsworth, am I right in thinking there is nobody else in this house?

**Pyro:** Mmm, no.

**Lance:** Then there IS someone else in this house?

**Pyro:** No, sorry.  I said "no," meaning "yes."

**Lance:** "No," meaning "yes"?  Look, I want a straight answer.  Is there someone else or isn't there, yes or no?

**Pyro:** Um, no.

**Lance:** No, there _is_ or no, there _isn't_

**Pyro:** Yes.

_Rogue, obviously annoyed, gains everybody's attention by smashing the glass in her hand against the fireplace._

**Rogue:** *exasperated* Please!!!  Don't you think we should get that guy out of the house before he finds out what's been going ON here?

_She tosses the rest of it in to the air.  It shatters on the floor._

**Tabby:** Yeah!

**Pietro:** How can we throw him outside in this weather?

**Todd:** I'm up for it.

**Tabby:** If we let him stay in the house, he may get suspicious.

**Pietro:** If we throw him out, he may get even more suspicious.

**Lance:** If I were him, I'd be suspicious already!

_Kitty speaks up, looking like she's at her wit's end._

**Kitty:** Oh, who cares?!  That guy doesn't matter!  Let him stay, locked up for another half an hour!

_She stands up to accent her point._

**Kitty:** The police will be here by then, and there are TWO DEAD BODIES IN THE STUDY!

**All:** SHH!

_Acting or no, Kitty starts having a nervous breakdown.  Upon seeing this, Lance walks over to comfort her, allowing her to rest her head on his chest._

**Lance:** Well, there is still some confusion as to whether or not there's anybody else in this house.

**Pyro:** I told you, there isn't.

**Lance:** There isn't any confusion, or there isn't anybody else.

**Pyro:** Either!  …or both.  I don't know; pick one.****

**Tabby: **Does anybody else's head hurt very much right now?

_Several people raise their hands._

**Lance:** Just give me a clear answer!

**Pyro:** Certainly…what was the question?

**Lance:** IS THERE ANYBODY ELSE IN THE HOUSE?!

**All:** NO!!!

_Letting go of Kitty for the time being, he wanders around the room to address everyone._

**Lance:** That's what he says, but does he know?  I suggest we handle this in proper military fashion..  We split up, and search the house.

**Kitty:** _Split up_?!

**Pietro:** If we're gonna do that, what was the whole point of asking?

**Lance:** *ignores him* We have very little time left, so we'll split up into pairs.

**Pietro:** _Pairs_?!

**Lance:** …are you people deaf, or something?

**Pietro:** Wait a minute.  Suppose that one of us IS the murderer?  If we split up into pairs, whichever one is left with the killer might get killed!

_Rogue and Belladonna have a stare-down._

**Pietro:** Then again…

**Lance:** Well, then we would have discovered who the murderer is!

**Kitty:** But the other half of the pair would be _dead_!

**Lance:** This is _war_, Peacock!  Casualties are inevitable.  You can not make an omelet without breaking eggs—every cook will tell you that.

**Kitty:** *hysterical* But look what happened to the cook!

_She starts sobbing._

**Todd:** Colonel, are you willing to take that chance?

**Lance:** What choice have we?

**Tabby:** None.

**Todd:** I suppose you're right.

**Belladonna:** Mon Dieu.  But it is dark upstairs, and I am frightened of ze dark.  Will anyone go wiz me?

**Pietro:** I will

**Lance:** I will

**Todd:** …no thanks.****

**Rogue: **Smart boy.

_Belladonna chooses to ignore her._

**Pyro:** I suggest we all draw lots for partners.

_He grabs a few long matchsticks from the nearby fireplace._

_In the kitchen, we see Pyro using a knife to cut the long matchsticks into pairs of different lengths.  He then places them in his band so that the lengths can't be determined, then turns to face the rest of them._

**Pyro:** Ready?  The two shortest together, the next two shortest together.  Agreed?  And I suggest the two shortest search the cellar, and so on, up.

_The guests all agree and approach him cautiously.  Lance is the first to pick; his is relatively short.  Kitty picks hers next, then compares it to Lance's.  His is longer._

**Lance/Kitty:** Damn.

_Tabby hastily pulls one of the matchsticks with a jerk.  Todd reaches over her shoulder and grabs one of the longest sticks._

_Lance and Todd compare…it's not even close._

_Belladonna chooses her stick.  It's another long one._

_Lance and Tabby compare, finding they match.  Given the size, that puts them both on the ground floor.  Tabby looks openly disappointed._

_Rogue selects hers as everybody tries to match sticks.  Pietro then picks his [tiny] matchstick, leaving the last one for Pyro.  Rogue steps up to him, noticing their sticks match.  It's the second floor for them._

**Rogue:** Well, it could be worse…

_Pietro walks past Belladonna and Todd, who have apparently been matched to go to the attic together._

**Todd:** Ironic, isn't it?

_Eventually, he matches "cellar" matchsticks with Kitty._

**Pietro:** *grinning* It's you and me, honey bunch.

_Kitty drops her stick, looking like she's about to faint._

**Kitty:** Oh, God…

_We see the party as it splits up.  Pyro and Rogue start up the stairs, along with Todd and Belladonna.  Pietro and Kitty stop, unsure of where to go until Pyro points them to the door under the staircase._

**Pyro:** The cellar.

_Lance and Tabby stop in the middle of the hallway._

**Lance:** Well, we know what's in the study…we've just come from the library, and the stranger's locked up in the lounge—

**Tabby:** Let's go look in the billiard room again.

_She heads towards the billiard room.  Lance sighs._

**Lance:** This is gonna be a looooong scene…

_Pietro opens the door to the cellar as Kitty reaches in to turn on the light.  The enter cautiously._

_The storm is still visible around the mansion from the second story windows, where the two upper-level couples split.  Pyro and Rogue walk down the hallway while Todd and Belladonna continue climbing stairs to the attic._

_A crash of thunder suddenly occurs over the sound of falling rain._

_There's darkness.  We don't know where we are.  Suddenly, a light turns on, revealing Todd and Belladonna at the bottom of the attic staircase.  There is silence…_

**Todd:** Do you want to go up in front of me?

**Belladonna:** What do you zink I am, stupid?

**Todd:** I'm sure there's no one up there.

**Belladonna:** Zen you go in front.

**Todd:** All right…

_Neither of them move.  All we hear is the sound of rain on the roof._

_Darkness.  Again.  We just barely see the outline of Kitty and Pietro against the top of the stairs.  They slowly edge down._

_Kitty suddenly gasps._

**Pietro:** Well…ladies first.

**Kitty:** Of course.  After you.

_Snickering is heard from somewhere off screen, followed by Ryo's hushed voice telling Evan to be quiet_

**Pietro:** *forced* No, no, no…I insist.

**Kitty:** No, I insist.

**Pietro:** Well, what are you afraid of, a fate worse than death?!

**Kitty:** No, just death.  Isn't that enough?

_Back up on the second floor, Rogue and Pyro are at the doors of two adjacent rooms.  They eye each other cautiously._

**Pyro:** Are you going in there?

**Rogue:** Yea.  Are ya?

**Pyro:** Yes.

_There's a heavy pause._

**Pyro:** Right!

**Rogue:** Right.

_They both look in their respective rooms._

**Pyro:** Um…I don't see any light switches in there.

**Rogue:** Well, neither do Ah, but there must be switches somewhere.

**Pyro:** Shall I come in with you?

**Rogue:** *abruptly* No!  …Ah mean, no, thank ya.

_Together, they start walking into their rooms, but then jump out, watching the other._

_Lance and Tabby are in the back of the corner bar, stopping to look in.  They stand, and Lance indicates the bar's narrow opening._

**Lance:** Ladies' first.

**Tabby:** No, thanks.

_They both head for the exit and have to squeeze through._

**Tabby:** I thought you said "ladies first"?

**Lance:** Since when have you _ever_ been a lady?

**Tabby:** …good point.

_Lance walks past Tabby and grabs a pool cue from the wall, earning a slight gasp from her.  She stays on her guard as he walks around the pool table, sighing in relief when he motions with the stick to look under the table.  They both do. There's nothing there._

_Up in the attic, Todd and Belladonna seemingly haven't moved a muscle.  We hear the rain._

**Belladonna:** Go on.  I be right behind you.

**Todd:** That's…why I'm nervous.

**Belladonna:** Zen we go togezer.

_The two of them squeeze up the narrow steps side-by-side._

_Kitty and Pietro are still inching down the stairs.  Kitty turns on the lights just as Pietro accidentally slips on a step.  This frightens Kitty, who runs down the remaining few steps and turns to face him._

**Kitty:** Stay there!

**Pietro:** *dazed* Don't worry 'bout me…I'm fine…

_Lance and Tabby throw open the closet right next to the front door, both dodging to the side.  They quickly see there is nothing there._

_Meanwhile,  Pyro is apparently wandering around in the dark._

**Pyro:** What I wouldn't give for my lighter right now… *shouts* If there's anybody in here, just look out!

_In the next room, Rogue is wandering around just like Pyro._

**Rogue:** *nervously* Are ya hidin'?  Ah'm comin'…

_Lance and Tabby stand in an open doorway, the only light coming from the hall behind them.  We see their silhouettes._

**Lance:** What room's this?

**Tabby:** Search me.

**Lance:** All right…

_He moves to frisk her, when a rather LOUD crackling sound of electricity is heard from off-stage._

**Lance:** On second thought, I'll take your word for it.

_Kitty sees a rat and lets out an ear-piercing scream.  The rat crawls away.  Pietro removes his hands from his ears, sticking a finger in one of them._

**Pietro:** Anybody else hear a ringing?

_Lance flips on the lights in another room, startling Tabby.  They are in the ball room._

**Lance:** Nobody's here.

**Tabby:** …behind one of those curtains?

_She points to the floor-to-ceiling window, with large curtains on either side.  It's located at the far end of the room._

**Lance:** Er…you look.  I'll go search the kitchen.

_He leaves in a hurry.  She scoffs at him, disbelievingly._

_Tabby starts to walk—very slowly—towards the curtains.  They almost seem to be moving, though it could just be her imagination.  Then…there's a definite movement off to the right.  She abruptly stops in her tracks, trying to scream, but nothing more than a whimper comes out.  She continues on, cautiously.  After a moment, she reaches the curtains, pauses, and quickly throws back the curtain, revealing…_

_…a broken window with wind blowing in._

_She looks back, making sure no one saw her acting so worried over nothing, but her relief is clearly visible._

*          *          *          *          *          * 

**Ryo:** Aaand…cut!  Whew, that was a long one, huh?

Everybody mumbles something as they drift off the set, some more exhausted than others.  Ryo wearily sits back in her director's chair.

**Ryo:** *singing* Another one bites the dust…another one bites the dust…and another one gone, and another one gone…another one bites the dust…


	7. Victim 3, a little mayhem, and a Cop

Y'know, these chapters just keep getting more and more fun to write.  Hard to believe we're already at the halfway mark.  And to answer your questions…I will be doing ALL three endings.  Originally, I was gonna have you vote on which one to do, but then I realized they're all too hilarious to skip over.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As per usual, the set is filled with the hustle and bustle of activity.  Twelve Jamies were running all over the place trying to set up and clean most of the rooms while Bobby was doing sound checks.  Most of the other cast members currently sit around, waiting for the scene to start.

**Jean:** Come _on_!  Why can't I have a role, huh?

Well, most of 'em.

**Ryo:** *sigh* For the last time, Jean.  There were only so many parts to hand out.  As it is, Wanda was supposed to play Scarlet before _DragonBlond_ changed her mind.

She point over to one corner of the room, where Wanda and Pyro seemed to be deeply engrossed in conversation.

**Jean:** Humph!  Why do I get the feeling she doesn't like me that much.

**Ryo:** *mutters* What was your first guess?

**Jean:** …what was that?

**Ryo:** Er…I said…to the set!  Yeah…that's it.  TO THE SET, EVERYBODY!

*          *          *          *          *          *

_Outside, the rain is still falling heavily.  A car is see off to the side of the road, which could only be identified as belonging to the motorist.  Down the road, a car slowly drives up so that we see it is a police cruiser.  It pulls up  at the sight of the vacant car to investigate._

_Back at the mansion, we see photographs, papers and the rolls of tape Belladonna had recorded earlier that evening.  A gloved hand picks them up and tosses everything into the fireplace. _

_ Most of it misses entirely, so the shadowed figure tries to discreetly push everything back in._

_The hand now uses a key to unlock the cupboard holding the unused weapons.  But…wasn't the key throw away?  Oh, I get it; surprise twist.  Ahh.  Anyways, the weapons are revealed and accessible.  More or less, this means the guests are screwed._

_Back out in the rain, the camera reveals a cop heavily covered in rainwear as he shines his flashlights into the car._

_The scene shifts to inside the lounge, where Kurt is making his phone call._

**Kurt:** I'm a little nervous…

_The camera reveals the lounge's fireplace, which is slowly spinning around to reveal a secret passage._

**Kurt:** …I'm in zis big house, and I've been locked into ze lounge.  *pause* What do you mean "sounds familiar"?

_He continues whispering into the phone as the camera focuses in on a wrench slowly being carried over towards the unsuspecting motorist._

**Kurt:** The funny zing is zere's a whole group of people here having some sort of party…and one of zem is my old boss from—

_The wrench descends, hitting him over the head._

**Kurt:** OW!  Hey, zat really hurt!

**Ryo:** *off-stage* Kurt…shut up and die.  Please.

_Rubbing his head, Kurt collapses to the ground.  A gloved hand then reaches over and places the phone back on its cradle._

_Back outside, the cop shines his flashlight on the car's license plate, then underneath.  He walks away._

_Lance and Tabby stand in front of yet another doorway, the only source of light coming from behind them.  The sound of rainfall is especially noticeable in this room.  Lance switches on the lights and the two of them have a look around._

_The Conservatory is not very tidy.  There is dust and cobwebs everywhere._

**Tabby:** *sneezes*

**Lance:** Ghezuntite.

_Tabby heads towards the outter wall of windows, where can can be seen splashing down on them, while Lance walks to one of the inner walls.  He picks up something to inspect it, then grabs a rag to wipe his hands off.  As he does so, he leans against the wall...only to have it swing open!  He stumbles slightly in surprise, but quickly recovers._

**Lance:** Looks like a secret passage.

**Tabby:** *sarcastically* No, really?

_He takes a quick peek inside._

**Tabby:** Should we see where it goes?

_Lance grabs a flashlight so CONVENIENTLY located on the adjacent shelf._

**Lance:** What the hell.  I'll go first—I've had a good life...well, I'll go first, anyway.

_The secret passage is narrow with uneven floors.  Tabby trips, yelling out in surprise._

**Tabby:**  Oh, God.

**Lance:** This isn't exactly _my_ idea of fun, either.

_Lance and Tabby emerge from the still-open fireplace in the lounge.  They immediately see Kurt lying on the floor.  Tabby puts her hands to her mouth in shock._

**Tabby:** Oh, my God!

_The fireplace suddenly closes behind them.  Tabby panics.  She starts screaming.  LOUDLY._

_Up in the attic, Todd and Belladonna can clearly hear Tabby screaming._

_Tabby and Lance run to the double doors and try to escape, but they're still locked.  Now both of them are screaming, although Tabby is definately still the louder of the two._

_Pyro and Rogue run for the staircase._

_Todd and Belladonna run down from the attic._

_As the four of them reach the top of the stairway, they all collide, collapsing into a large heap._

**Todd:** *muffled* Not again!

**Rogue:** ...whose hand is that?

**Pyro:** Sorry.

_Lance and Tabby are still banging at the door.  And screaming._

_The four people upstairs manage to untangle themselves.  Pyro and Todd run down the stairs, quickly followed by Belladonna and Rogue._

**Pyro:** Where's it coming from?

**Todd:** Where are we going…?

_They make it to the ground floor just as Pietro and Kitty emerge from the cellar._

**Rogue:** Where are they?

_Pyro and Todd are already standing in front of the door._

**Pyro:** *points* The lounge!

_Pyro tries to open the door._  _It's locked._

**Pietro:** The door's locked!

**Todd:** *impatiently* I know…

**Pietro:** THEN UNLOCK IT!

**Todd:** I can't.  They took my lock-picking tools away.  Where's the key?

_Pyro searches his pockets._

**Pyro:** The key is gone!

**Pietro:** Never mind about the key!  Unlock the door!

_Todd grabs him by the shirt and starts shaking him._

**Todd:** I can't unlock the door without the key!

_He lets go of a visibly-shaken Pietro (no pun intended) and bangs on the door._

**Todd:** Let us in!  Let us in!

**Tabby/Lance:** Let us out!  Let us out!

**Pyro:** It's no use.  Stand back!

_He back up all the way across the hall._

**Pyro:** There's no alternative.  I'm just going to have to break it down.

_He runs to the door at full speed, hitting it, and falling to the floor, holding his shoulder._

**Pyro:** *painfully* So much for that idea…

_Belladonna gets an idea._

**Belladonna:** I know!  I have it!

_She runs into the study._

_The two in the lounge are still yelling.  A clearly exasperated Kitty glares at the closed door._

**Kitty:** Will you shut up? …

_In the study, Belladonna grabs the revolver from the open cupboard, looking slightly bewildered but recovering quickly._

**Kitty: **[v/o] …we're doing our best!

_Belladonna runs out of the study and trips over Pyro, who is still rolling on the floor in pain.  The gun goes off, hitting the chandelier rope above._

_Todd and Pietro hit the deck right in front of the lounge doorway._

_The chandelier starts spinning as the rope begins to split._

_Kitty and Rogue run into each other in all the confusion._

**Rogue:** *sarcastically* The model of gracefulness, everybody.

**Belladonna:** Didn' anyone ever teach y' not t' taunt someone wit' a gun in deir hands?

_Inside the lounge, Lance and Tabby crouch down._

**Lance:** They're shooting at us!

_Belladonna stands up and aims for the door lock._

_Todd and Pietro, who had started to get up, hit the floor again.  This time, they put their hands over their heads._

_She fires twice, hitting straight on target with both shots._

_Lance turns away from the door, holding his shoulder._

**Lance:** I've been shot…I've been shot!

**Tabby:** No, you haven't.

_Belladonna holds the gun casually in one hand._

**Belladonna:** Come out!  The door is open!

_She lowers the gun so that it carelessly points at Pietro and Todd.  They hurriedly scramble to get out of the way.  The lounge doors opens, allowing Tabby and a miraculously unwounded Lance to emerge._

_Lance angrily walks up to Belladonna._

**Lance:** Why are you shooting that thing at us?!

**Belladonna:** To get you out.

_He gives her a shove._

**Lance:** You know, you could have killed us!  I could've been killed!

_We see a shot of the chandelier, spinning even more quickly.  The rope is almost completely frayed._

_Lance walks a few feet, not speaking to anyone in particular._

**Lance:** I can't take any more scares.

_The rope snaps._

_The chandelier crashes to the ground three feet behind Lance, who goes into a brief state of shock, eventually collapsing into the love seat by the wall._

**Todd:** …you okay, buddy?

**Lance:** Peachy.  Just give my heart a minute to start beating again.

_Tabby points inside the lounge, almost hysterical._

**Tabby:** But, look!

_Everybody runs across the room, stepping over the chandelier glass.  They all crowd around the door and see Kurt lying on the ground._

**Kitty:** Which one of you did it?

**Tabby:** We _found_ him!  _Together_!

**Rogue:** How did ya get in?

**Todd:** The door was locked…

**Pietro:** …and nothing's been blown up.

**Rogue:** It's a great trick!

**Tabby:** There's a secret passageway from the conservatory.

_Pietro, standing next to Belladonna, gets a good look at the object in her hands._

**Pietro:** Is that the same gun?

**Kitty:** From the cupboard?

**Pietro:** But it was locked!

**Belladonna:** …no, it was unlocked!

**Todd/Pietro/Pyro:** Unlocked?!

**Belladonna:** But, yes.  See for yourself!

_Everybody runs out of the room back towards the study.  Belladonna drops the revolved under the broken chandelier in the process._

_Kurt opens his eyes after they leave and looks around._

**Kurt:** You'd think being dead would get you _some_ attention around here.

_Everybody piles in, gathering in front of the obviously unlocked cupboard door, which is still wide open._

_Kitty turns to Belladonna accusingly._

**Kitty:** How did you know it was unlocked?  How did you know that you could get at the gun?

**Belladonna:** I didn't I zink—I would break it open, but it was open already.

**Kitty:** A likely story.

_The doorbell rings suddenly._

_The guests all freeze in place._

**Tabby:** Maybe they'll just go away…

_There is a moment of silence.  The doorbell is still._

_The guests still remain frozen when suddenly, it rings again._

**Tabby:** …or, maybe not.

_They all good fairly disappointed.  Todd suddenly stands up straight._

**Todd:** I'm going to open it.

**Tabby:** Why?!

**Todd:** I have nothing to hide!  I didn't do it!

_He holds out one hand to Pyro._

**Todd:** The key.

_Pyro reaches into his pocket and reluctantly gives it to him._

**Todd:** Thank you.

_He strides into the hallway, followed by the rest of the party._

_Todd opens the door, revealing Scott in a cop's uniform._

**Scott:** Good evening, sir.

_The door is suddenly slammed in his face._

**Kitty:** [v/o] Lance!

**Lance:** [v/o] *innocently* …what?

_The door reopens to reveal Todd's smiling face, as if nothing had happened._

**Todd:** Yes?

**Scott:** I found an abandoned car down near the gates of this house.  Did the driver come in here for any help, by any chance?

_Everybody but Todd insists that was not the case._

**Todd:** …well, actually, yes.

**All but Todd:** NO!

_He stares at them oddly._

**Scott:** There seems to be some kind of kind of disagreement.

_Again, everyone but Todd disagrees.  Todd looks around._

**Todd:** …you noticed, huh?

_Scott, understandably, looks quite confused by now._

**Scott:** Um…can I come in and use your phone.

**Pietro:** Does nobody in this country have their own phone anymore?!

_Pyro pushes his way to the front of the crowd to greet Scott._

**Pyro:** Of course you may, sir.  You may use the one in the…um…no….uh, you can use the one in the st—no…Would you be kind enough to wait in the um, in the, em, library?

**Scott:** *VERY confused* Sure.

_As he steps inside, he sees Belladonna standing off to one side._

**Scott:** Don't I know you from somewhere.

_Belladonna simply shrugs._

**Rogue:** *coughplayboysubscriptioncough*

_Beside her, Pietro snickers._

**Scott:** You all seem to be very anxious about something.

_Pyro motions upwards._

**Pyro:** *calmly* It's the chandelier.  It fell down.  Almost killed us.  Would you like to come this way, please, sir?

_He begins leading Scott towards the library.  Tabby quickly runs over to the study door and closes it, attempting to look nonchalant when Scott turns to look at her.  Pietro does the same with the lounge door, again drawing Scott's attention and trying to appear innocent._

**Pyro:** Frightfully drafty, these old houses.

_Pyro leads Scott inside, then motions towards the phone._

**Pyro:** Please help yourself to a drink, if you'd like.

_Scott reaches for the brandy._

**Pyro:** Not the congac.  Just in case…

_He shuts the door._

**Scott:** …just in case of _what_?  *pause * Oh, I've got a _baaaad_ feeling about this…

_Pyro locks the door, and turns to the other guests._

**Pyro:** *whispers* What now?

**Lance:** I say we let him drink the cognac

**Pietro:** Pft.  Knowing him, it should only take one glass to knock him out….

_Everybody pauses._

**Pietro:** …ah.  That'd work!

_Inside, Scott tries to door handle.  It is, of course, locked._.

**Todd:** We should have told him.

**Kitty:** Oh, very well for you to say that now.

**Todd:** *defensively* I said it then!

**Everybody:** Oh, shut up!

**Todd:** *pouts* Nobody listens to me.

_Pyro motions towards the shattered glass._

**Pyro:** Let's clean this up.

_Scott pauses at the door, but only hears the sound of glass being swept up.  Giving up, he walks over to the phone.  But just as he reaches for the handle, it suddenly rings.  Blinking in surprise, he answers._

**Scott:** Hello?

_In the hallway, everybody grows still._

**Pyro:** *whispers* Maybe the cop answered it.

**Scott:** And…who should I say is calling?  *pause* You don't say. *pause* Ah…will you hold on, please?

_Setting the phone down on the table, he walks back over to the door and starts banging on it._

**Scott:** Let me out of here!  Let me out of here!  You have no right to shut me in!  I'll book you for false arrest…and wrongful imprisonment…and obstructing an officer in the course of his duty…and MURDER!

_The door opens very suddenly.  Pyro stands there, with a broom in one hand and the rest of the party behind him._

**Pyro:** What do you mean…"murder"?

**Scott:** I just said it so you'd open the door.

_The guests all sigh with relief and laugh nervously._

**Pyro:** *under his breath* Devious so-and-so…

**Scott:** What's going on around here?  And why would you lock me in?  And why are you receiving phone call from J. Edgar Hoover?

**Pyro:** _J. Edgar Hoover_?

**Scott:** That's right.  The Head of the Federal Bureau of Investigation.

**Lance:** We know who he is, thank you.

**Scott:** Yeah, but young audience members might not.

**Lance/Pietro:** Ah…

_Lance turns to Pyro questioningly._

**Lance:** Why is J. Edgar Hoover on your phone?

**Pyro:** I don't know.  He's on everybody else's, why shouldn't he be on mind?  Excuse me.

_He steps into the library and, after glancing at Scott, removes the key from the door, closes it, and locks it from the inside._

_Scott turns to the rest of the crowd._

**Scott:** What's going on here?

**Pietro:** Nosey one, aren't ya?

_Tabby suddenly drapes herself over him._

**Tabby:** We're having a…party…

_The guests all laugh even more nervously than before._

**Scott:** Mind if I look around?

**All:** Yes.

**Scott:** …can I anyway?

**Tabby:** Sure…

_She looks around the room, eyes resting on Todd._

**Tabby:** You can show him around, Mr. Green!

**Todd:** Me?!

**Tabby:** Yes!  Uh, you can show him the…dinning room…the kitchen…the ballroom…

_He visibly stiffens._

**Todd:** Fine…Fine!  Officer, um, come with me.  I'll show you the…dining room…or the kitchen…or the ballroom…

_He walks off, dragging a very confused-looking Scott with him._

*          *          *          *          *          *

**Ryo:** All right, people, that should be a good place to end it for today.

Everybody filters off the set.  Remy, who had been off to the side (not being needed today, and all), ducked inside the men's room when he saw Belladonna and Rogue coming.

Fred, the other corpse, is still hanging over by the buffet table.  Everyone else just kinda hangs around.  

As Pyro walks off the set, he clutches his head.

**Pyro:** Man, I must've banged it harder than I thought

Wanda walks up to him, concerned but not trying to show it.

**Wanda:** You might have a concussion.  Come on, let's get you an ice pack.

As she helps him off the set, he turns back to the others with a grin.  Todd's mouth goes wide open.

**Todd:** …now why didn't I think of that?!

Ryo watches everything with a slightly amused look on her face.

**Ryo:** Todd-Wanda-Pyro triangle…great, now she's doing _self-plugs_!  Sheesh, how shameless can you get?


	8. A VERY creative cover story, and the fin...

To be honest, this chapter would've been up sooner, but I've been having a hard week between fights with both my parents and the funeral of one of my great-uncles (died of cancer), so—needless to say—I haven't been in much of a comedic mood.

Oh, yeah…and then I kinda went on a Teen Titans kick for a while after seeing the "Sisters" episode.  Still on it, actually.  *waves Robin/Starfire shipper flag*

_______________

For those you who asked, Belladonna is Remy's fiancé/ex-wife from the comics.  She made a brief appearance in the 1992 animated series, but hasn't appeared in _Evolution_ yet.  The opportunity to stick her with the role of Yvette was just too good to pass up, even if she's not in the show.  
_______________

Ryo groans in frustration, rubbing her temples as the impending headache continues to grow with every word.  Jean had been ranting for the past half hour on why she deserved a role in the show, including names of every single school play she had ever auditioned for.

After a time, Ryo gets an idea.

**Ryo:** Okay, Jeannie.  You win.  Now that I think about it, I've got _just_ the role for you.

Jean pauses mid-sentence to blink in surprise.

**Jean:** …really?

**Ryo:** Sure.  It's a singing part and everything!

Obviously having never seen the movie, Jean gets very excited at this but tries to keep cool.

**Jean:** Singing, huh?  Sounds perfect.  I knew you'd see the light.

Trying so desperately not to burst out laughing, Ryo points the red-haired girl off in the direction of the costumes just as Pyro re-enters the room, a giggling Wanda coming up right behind him.

**Wanda:** You say the funniest things, Johnny!

Everyone in the room simultaneously blinks.

**Ryo:** Whoa…out-of-character alert!

Pyro sighs.

**Pyro:** She ain't out-of-character.  She's drunk.  After only _three_ beers, too.

**Pietro:** Um…that might be cause she's been in an asylum since she was eight and hasn't gotten used to alcohol yet.

**Wanda:** What was that?

**Pietro:** *quickly* Er…nothing.

As Pyro takes the younger girl off to get some coffee, Ryo bangs her head up against the table, but only succeeds in making her headache worse.  As she looks up, she suddenly realizes that nearly _everybody_ has had at least one drink.

**Ryo:** …can't you guys wait until _after_ the scene?

**Lance:** Do you _know_ what scene this is?

**Ryo:** Huh.  Good point.  Ah, well…might as well get it over with.  TO THE SET, PEOPLE!

*          *          *          *          *          *

_Scott raises the metal partition in the dining room, glancing around the kitchen area._

_Tabby stands in the study, giving instructions to most of the others._

**Tabby:** …make it look convincing.

_Most of them stare at her incredulously._

**Rogue:** Ya're not serious…are ya?

**Lance:** Only _you_ would come up with an idea like this, Tabs.

_As Scott turns back into the dining room, Todd motions around him nervously._

**Todd:** So!  This is the dining room.

**Scott:** No kidding…

_With a bottle of scotch in one hand, Tabby grabs Pietro by his shirt sleeve._

**Tabby:** Come on.

**Scott:** What's going on in those two rooms?

**Todd:** Uh…which two rooms?

_Scott pushes past him and walks into the hall._

_Tabby, with Pietro in tow, runs frantically across the hallway.  They enter the lounge and shut the door just as Scott appears, motioning towards the lounge and study doors._

**Scott:** Those two rooms.

**Todd:** Huh.  Must've… er…missed those.

_Todd is apparently at a lost for what to do.  Scott strides towards the study door, but Todd blocks his path._

**Todd:** Officer. I don't think you should go in there.

**Scott:** Why not?

**Todd:** …'cause I said so?

**Scott:** Try again.

_Scott walks around him, but Todd blocks the door with his entire body._

**Todd:** *dramatically* Because it's…all too shocking!

_Rolling his eyes, Scott throws him aside and opens the door._

_Music can be heard the background, more specifically the song "Life Could be a Dream" played on an old-fashioned record player._

_Rogue is on the couch, on top of Remy.  She uses her hand to move his arm and pretends to kiss him._

**Remy:** *smiling* Dis takes y' back, _Chere_, don' it?

**Rogue:** One more word outta ya an' Ah guarantee you'll _neva_ have children.

_Scott, mouth wide open, then sees Kitty and Fred apparently kissing against the far wall against the curtain.  Before the rest of the audience has a heart attack, the camera pans over to reveal Lance behind the curtain—with the aid of a few dozen prop-wires, courtesy of Forge—propping Fred up between them.  He attempts to wrap his arms around Kitty, but they aren't long enough._

**Kitty:** I think…I'm going…to hurl…

**Lance:** Me first.

_Scott just stares at the scene before him, completely dumbfounded.  His hands are dropped at his sides, his mouth is wide open, and he is hunched over slightly.  If we could see his eyes, they'd probably be wide open, too._

**Ryo:** *off-screen* Er, Scott?  …Scott?

_After a moment's pause, a stick appears from off-screen and pokes him a couples times.  Scott finally blinks—the first sign of life he shows since entering the room—and partially pulls himself together._

**Scott:** *forced* It's not all that…shocking.  There folks are just having a good time.

**Rogue/Lance/Kitty:** [v/o] Speak for yourself!

_Scott leaves the room, shuddering.  Todd is sill staring at the guests in shock._

_Tabby pouts a bit of drink into Kurt's mouth.  He's propped up in a chair, drink in hand.  The music can still be heard, but only faintly._

_Lance and Kitty roll Fred's [still sleeping] body on to the couch._

**Kitty:** Oh…my…God…

_She fans herself.  Lance looks like he's about to hurl.  She fans him, too._

_Pietro takes Tabby onto the couch and pretends to kiss her.  The lights flicker slightly, but since they're not really doing anything, nobody gets electrocuted.  Scott enters._

**Scott:** Excuse me?

_The two of them "pull apart," acting like they're been caught in the act._

_Scott then notices Kurt.  He leans into the "dead" boy's face, and sniffs._

**Scott:** This man's drunk.  Dead drunk.

**Tabby:** *laughs nervously* Dead right.

_Scott turns back to Kurt._

**Scott:** *loudly* You're not gonna drive home,  are you?

_Kurt winces at the volume._

**Pietro:** He won't be driving home, officer!  I promise you that!

**Tabby:** Yeah.

**Scott:** Somebody will give him a lift, huh?

**Tabby:** Oh, we'll…we'll…get him a car.

**Pietro:** *grinning* A long, black car.

_Tabby smacks him._

**Tabby:** A limousine.

_Pietro again lowers Tabby to the couch.  She gives off a little cry of surprise, yet can't help but smile._

_Scott just stares at them._

**Scott:** You two are unbelievable.

_Resting her head on Pietro's shoulder, Tabby grins and winks at him._

_Pyro walks out of the library and leans against the door.  He sighs in deep thought.  Just then, Scott and Todd enter the hall from the lounge.  Putting on a fake grin, Pyro stands up and walks over to them._

**Pyro:** Officer!

**Scott:** You're too late—I've seen it all.

_Throughout the conversation, Todd is standing behind Scott so he can meet eyes with Pyro.  He looks quick understandably mystified, yet relieved._

_The smile disappears from Pyro's face, replaced with a look of horror._

**Pyro:** You have?

**Scott:** Believe me…I wish I haven't.

_He shudders again._

**Pyro:** I can explain everything—

**Scott:** You don't have to.

**Pyro:** I don't?  Whew…that's a relief!

**Scott:** Don't worry!  There's nothing illegal about any of this.  Morally indecent, yes.  Illegal, no.

**Pyro:** *confused* Are you sure?

**Scott:** Of course!  This is America!

**Pyro:** I see…

_Scott claps Pyro on the shoulder._

**Scott:** It's a free country, don't you know that?

_Pyro, who still doesn't quite understand, gives him an odd look._

**Pyro:** I didn't know it was THAT free.

_Scott glances back at Todd, who tries to look innocent._

**Todd:** …um, God bless America?

_Shaking his head, Scott turns back to Pyro._

**Scott:** May I use your phone now?

**Pyro:** Certainly!

_He leads Scott into the library once more…and locks him in once more._

_The guests start to emerge from their respective rooms into the hallway.  The sound of painful moaning comes from inside the study by the time Rogue enters the doorway.  She takes one last look inside._

**Rogue:** Ah warned ya about those hands, Swamp Rat.

_With a satisfied smirk, she shuts the door behind her and walks over to join the others._

**Todd:** *to Pyro* Why did you lock him in again?

**Pyro:** *whispering* We haven't finished searching the house, yet.

**Pietro:** *whispering* Well, we're running out of time.  Only fifteen minutes before the police come.

**Todd:** The police already came!

**All:** Shut up!

**Pyro:** Let's get on with it…

**Belladonna:** *to Todd* Monsieur?

_The guests again split up into the same pairs as before to search the house.  The music continues to play in the background._

_Lance and Tabby enter the kitchen.  At the bottom of the stairs, he turns to the nearest door and quickly opens it…only to have an ironing board hit him in the bead._

_Tabby opens the door to the freezer and inspects it.  Just as she grabs one of the meathooks, it turns in her grip and reveals another secret passage in the back of the freezer.  She cries out in surprise._

**Tabby:** Look!  I can't believe it; I wonder where this one goes.

**Lance:** Well, let's find out.  Who knows; maybe there'll be another dead body on the other side.

**Tabby:** Don't even _joke_ about that.

_They step inside._

_Seconds later, a large painting in the study swings open.  Lance and Tabby emerge, realize where they are, and shrug._

**Lance:** Let's try the ballroom again.

_Todd and Belladonna are still poking around in the attic._

_The camera reveals a gloved hand pulling a lever down.  All the electricity is shut off.  The lights go out instantly, and the music stops._

_Kitty, in the darkness, accidentally backs up into a boiler pipe.  Thinking it's a person—Pietro, perhaps—she starts whacking it with her handbag._

**Kitty:**  Ahh!  Don't.*whack* You. *whack* Touch. *whack* Me! *whack*

_Pietro looks on with wide eyes as the thick pipe gives in to her beating_

**Pietro: **Whoa…remind me never to get on _her_ bad side…

_A gust of wind blows in through the second floor windows, shutting the door.  Pyro yells in fright._

_Rogue starts screaming in fright._

_Belladonna is quietly descending the stairs.  Rogue's screaming can still be heard._

_Scott is still on the phone._

**Scott:** Hello?  Hello?  Oh, they did _not_ just hang up on me!

_Belladonna quietly slips into the billiard room.  She tip-toes cautiously across the room in the dark.  An unrecognizable voice is heard off-screen._

**Voice:** Shut the door.  Did anyone recognize you?

**Belladonna:** …y' kiddin', right?

_Lowering her voice to a whisper, Belladonna's French accent suddenly disappears._

**Belladonna:** They must have.  And not just my face.  They know every inch of my body.  And they're not the only ones…

_A noose suddenly flies onto her neck.  She gasps in shock._

**Belladonna:** It's you!

_She tries to pull it off, but the rope is just too strong._

**Belladonna:** *gasping* Not…so…tight…

_Scott is still on the phone, whispering into the receiver._

**Scott:** There's something funny going on around here.  I don't know what it is…nobody tells me anything!

_The camera reveals the door handle being silently opened._

**Scott:** No, I'm not on duty.  But I have a feeling that I'm in danger.  You know that big, ugly house on top—

_The lead pipe comes down softly on the phone cradle, disconnecting the call.  We then see the pipe being raised behind Scott's head._

**Scott:** Hello?  Hello?!  Are you there?!  Oh, fu—

_The doorbell rings suddenly.  The camera switches to a close-up view of the guests' faces, but it's too dark to see where they are._

_The front door opens.  Jean is standing there with a big smile as she strikes a pose.  She is wearing what looks like a maroon-colored bellhop uniform, with all her hair piled underneath the hat._

**Jean:** *singing* Da-da—da-da—da-da!  I…am…your singing telegram—

_The gun fires.  Jean slumps to the ground.  Cheering can be heard off in the distance._

_The door slams shut._

_Todd is desperately trying to find a way out.  He opens a door, only to have a bunch of useless junk fall on top of him._

**Todd:** *muffled* Not again!

_A large jack-in-the-box suddenly pops open, nearly scaring Rogue out of her wits.  After getting over the initial shock, she glares at the stupid clown-face, picks up the box, opens the window, and hurls it out._

**Rogue:** Ah've had _enough_!

**Ryo:** *off-screen* Rogue…please…

**Rogue:** Aww, damn.  Ya had ta go an' use the "p" word, didn't ya?

_Clearing her throat, she proceeds to scream bloody murder._

_Hearing Rogue's cries for help, Pyro searches aimlessly around in the dark for a way to get to her._

**Pyro:** *shouting* I'm coming!  I'm just…trying to find the door…

_He reaches out and grabs a door handle, opening it and enters another part of the Master bedroom.  Rogue is *still* screaming._

**Pyro:** Coming!

_He reaches out, only to grasp another handle._

**Pyro:** What's this?  Another door?

_He twist the handle, expecting it to open…and promptly gets drenched in a downpour of water from the shower head._

**Rogue:** [v/o] *sarcastically* My hero.

_Pyro bangs his head on the wall as the water continues to pour._

_Seconds later, a very-wet Pyro sloshes down the steps.  He runs over to the entrance of the cellar and pulls up the lever, restoring electricity to the house._

_The record player slowly starts up again._

_As the song ends, the entire party (minutes Belladonna, of course) slowly reassemble in the Hall._

_They walk over to the billiard room entrance and look in from the hallway, seeing Belladonna's "corpse" lying on the pool table.  Rogue can't help but smile._  

**Rogue:** *sarcastically* Oh…what a shame.  

**Belladonna:** Don' make me come over there…

**Rogue:** Ah'm shakin' in my stiletto heels. 

_Everybody else just walks away without another word.  With one last glance, Rogue follows._

_We then see everybody gather around the library entrance, where Scott is slumped over the table._

**Todd:** Two murders.

**Lance:** Thank you, Captain Obvious.

_Pietro slowly walks in and picks up the led pipe off the floor._

**Pietro:** Neither of them shot.  I thought I heard a gun.

**Rogue:** Ah did.

**Kitty:** So did I.

**Tabby:** …I thought I heard the front door slam!

**Lance:** Oh, God…the murderer must have run out.

_They all run to the front door and open it, only to see Jean's body lying on the ground._

**Rogue:** Huh.  Go figure.

**Pyro:** Three murders!

**Todd:** Six, all together.

**Pyro:** This is getting serious.

**All:** …_getting_?!

_He shrugs.  They close the door and lock it._

_The guests all walk back into the center of the main floor hallway where the broken chandelier sits._

**Pyro:** No gun.  Yvette dropped it here.

_Wiping away some of the water from his eyes, Pyro stands up straight._

**Pyro:** Very well…I know who did it.

_Everybody turns to stare at him incredulously._

**All:** You DO?

**Pyro:** And furthermore, I'm going to tell you how it was all done.  Follow me…

_He calmly walks back into the library.  The guests all follow._

*          *          *          *          *          *

**Ryo:** Okay, that's a good place to leave it.  Only three more scenes to go, people, and we're done!

There's a mass cheering as the characters all crowd back into the green room…all but one, that is.

**Scott:** Um…has anyone seen Jean?

They all look at one another, the simultaneously rush back to the front door.  Jean is _still_ lying there.  Pietro leans down and takes her pulse.

**Pietro:** Still alive…wait, what's this?

He pulls a tiny dart from where her "gunshot" wound was supposed to be located.

**Todd:** Hmm…tranquilizer dart.  Nice touch.****

**Lance: **Well, she'll be out for a few hours, at the very least.  

After placing the unconscious girl on the couch, everyone crowds back into the greenroom.  Wanda is still giggling slightly and waves as they all enter.

**Wanda:** Hi, y'all!

Lance blinks.

**Lance:** That's…scary. 

**Fred:** I'm hungry.  Can we order a pizza in here?

Ryo goes to sit with Wanda over in one of the large armchairs by the cognac stash and pours herself a glass.

**Ryo:** Why not?

**Rogue:** Ah want peppers.

**Pyro:** Same here.  Hot ones.

**Lance:** Mushrooms!

**Pietro:** Sausage!

**Kitty:** No meat.

**Todd:** How 'bout double pepperoni?

**Kitty:** I said no meat!

**Todd:** There's no meat in pepperoni!

Ryo groans at the Teen Titans reference, then turns to Wanda, the only person not involved in the Great Debate.  She holds up her glass and clinks it with the girl's cup of coffee.

**Ryo:** Here's to you, and here's to me that we should never disagree…but should we ever not agree, to hell with you and here's to me!  *downs the glass*


	9. A recap of the evening, and ending 1

Okay, the only reason why this one took so long was because…well…it's longer than the other chapters.  As in, easily three times longer than any other scene in the whole fic, but I just couldn't bring myself to cut it off in any particular spot.  I was on a roll, people!

Oh, for any of you who are interested…I just finished reading the transcript for Dark Horizon Part I and II.  Then I threw one of my infamous tantrums for about ten minutes over…well, something I _said_ and _knew_ was gonna happen, but really hoped wouldn't.  I am going to _die_ when I see it on television!  No spoilers, though…that is, unless you want any.  Romy fans, in particular, might.  *hint, hint* If any of you are curious, E-mail me and I'll see if I can find you the site

_______________

Everyone, as usual, is gathered and waiting in the green room.  Ryo appears in the doorway, director's beret on and megaphone in hand.

**Ryo:** Come on, people…we don't have time for a pre-scene scene this time.  It's gonna be a long one.

Pyro stands up.

**Pyro:** *dramatically* I'm ready for my close-up, Mr. Daniels.

Ryo smacks her forehead.

**Ryo:** Great…as if everything weren't messed up all ready, now they're starting to develop EGOS!

*          *          *          *          *          *

_As soon as everybody gathers inside, Pyro turns to address the group as a whole._

**Pyro:** In order to help you understand what happened, I shall need to take you through the events of the evening, step-by-step.  At the start of the evening, Yvette was here, by herself, waiting to offer you all a glass of champagne.

_He holds up the glass bottle for a visual, then starts to head the door._

**Pyro:** I was in the hall…

_He pauses briefly._

**Pyro:** I know, because I was there.  Then, I hurried across to the kitchen.

_He starts running, motioning for the guests to follow him._

_He enters the kitchen, guests in tow, and hardly pauses to take a breath._

**Pyro:** And the cook was in here, alive, sharpening knives, preparing for dinner.  Nearly took my head off with one of those suckers, too.  And then…

_Pyro springs up to the front door, the guests following closely behind, as he proceeds to act out events._

**Pyro:** The doorbell rang…and it was you!

_He points to Lance._

**Lance:** *nods* Yes.

_He then moves back and forth, pretending to play the part of both himself and Lance._

**Pyro:** *rapidly* I-asked-you-for-your-coat-and-I-recognized-you-as-Colonel-Mustard-and-I-prevented-you-from-telling-your-real-name-because-I-didn't-want-any-of-you-to-use-any-name-other-than-your-psudonym-otherwise-the-movie-wouldn't-have-been-as-easily-associated-with-the-board-game-and-I-introduced-myself-to-you-as-a-butler-and-I-ran-across-the-hall-to-the-library!

_With that, he sprints off again.  Pietro is the only one who immediately follows, having followed every word.  The other just kinda stare at one another for a moment before giving a group shrug and running after the other two._

_Pyro takes them all back into the library, standing in the same spot as moments before._

**Pyro:** And then Yvette met you…and smiled…

_He gives a cheesy, fake grin._

**Pyro:** …and poured you a drink.

_He runs back out into the hallway, once more towards the front door._

**Pyro:** *still rapidly* And-the-doorbell-rang!  And-it-was-Mrs.-White,-looking-pale-and-tragic—

_He makes motions around his face to imitate the veil._

**Rogue:** Are ya implying something, fireboy?

**Pyro:** *still rapidly* Not-at-all…and-I-took-her-coat,-and-made-off!

_He runs back to the library. Again._

_Todd calls after him._

**Todd:** Will you make up your damn mind already!

_He hardly waits for everybody to gather back inside before continuing._

**Pyro:** And I introduced you to Colonel Mustard…

_He imitates them._

**Pyro:** "Hello."  "Hello."  …and I noticed that Mrs. White and Yvette…flinched!

**Lance:** Flinched…engaged in a short bitch-fight…same difference.

**Rogue:** An' may Ah remind y'all which of us is still _alive_?

**Belladonna:** *off-stage* _I'm_ not dead, skunk-head.  Just my character.

**Rogue:** Close enough.

**Ryo:** *off-stage* Get on with it!  This scene's long enough already without half a page wasted on you two arguing…AGAIN!

**Pyro:** Then…there was a rumble of thunder, and a crash of lightning.

_He demonstrates._

**Pyro:** And, to make a long story short—

**All:** Too late.

**Pyro:** —one by one, you all arrived.

_He rushes back into the hallway, grabs the mallet…_

**Pyro:** And then the gong was struck by the cook!

_…and strikes the gong—magically repaired though the wonders of duct tape—once._

**Pyro:** And we went into the dining room!

_They all rush into the dining room, where Pyro stands behind each of the chairs as he mentions where everyone sat._

**Pyro:** And Mrs. Peacock sat here…and Professor Plumb sat here…

_He makes a slurping noise, pretending to take a sip of soup._

**Pyro:** …and Mrs. White sat here…

_He does the same behind her chair._

**Rogue:** Are ya _mocking_ us now?

**Pyro:** Not at all.  And Mr. Green, Miss Scarlet, Colonel Mustard.

_He points to their respective chairs, before indicating that at the head of the table._

**Pyro:** This chair was vacant.  Anyway, we all revealed we'd all received a letter.

_He starts pointing at various chairs._

**Pyro:** And you'd had a letter, and you'd had a letter, and you'd had a letter—

**All:** *irritated* Get ON with it!

**Pyro:** The point is…blackmail!

**Todd:** But all this came out _after_ dinner—in the study!

_He points out the door and across the hall.  Pyro motions to him, eyes wide in realization._

**Pyro:** You're right!

_He runs out the hallway.  The other stare after him, before Lance smacks Todd upside the head._

**Todd:** Hey, what was that for?

**Lance:** He could've explained the whole thing in _here_, but noooo…

_With a sigh, they all go running after Pryo._

_We see a shot of everybody scrambling across the hallway, towards the study._

_Pyro rushes around the room, pointing at different locations as he continues to speak with a quick-paced, breathless speed._

**Pyro:** Mr. Green stood here…and Mrs. Peacock here…and Miss Scarlet here…and Colonel Mustard here…and Mrs. White…and—

**All:** Get ON with it!!!

_This time, it even sounds like people backstage are shouting along._

**Pyro:** I'm getting there, I'm getting there!  Sheesh…kids today have NO patience.  And Mr. Boddy went to get his surprise packages from the hall.  And you all opened your presents.

_He shuts the door._

**Pyro:** And Mr. Boddy switched out the lights.

_He turns off the lights._

_Pause._

**Tabby:** Um…we can still see.

**Pyro:** Picky, picky…

_With a wave of his hand, the fireplace goes out.  Again._

_Pause._

_Everybody screams._

_The lights are flipped back on.  Pyro is lying on the floor, pretending to be Remy's "dead" body.  The guests, tired of all this, react with disgust until Pyro opens his eyes and jumps back up._

**Pyro:** Mr. Boddy lay on the floor, apparently dead.

_Pietro steps forward._

**Pietro:** He was dead!  I examined him!

**Pyro:** Then why was he bashed on the head a few minutes later with a candlestick if he was dead already?

_Everyone turns to look at Rogue._

**Rogue:** …

_They turn back to look at Pyro and Pietro._

**Pietro:** All right, I made a mistake.

**Pyro:** Right!  But if so, why was Mr. Boddy pretending to be dead?  It could only be because he realized his scene had misfired—no pun intended—and the gunshot was intended to kill him, not me.  Look.

_Pyro walks over to where Remy's "corpse" is still sitting on the couch, motioning towards the [fake] blood on one of his earlobes._

**Pyro:** The bullet grazed his ear.  Clearly, his best way of escaping death was to pretend to be dead already.

**Todd:** Wait…if the gun grazed his ear, how could it have shattered a vase on the opposite side of the room?

**Pyro:** Less talk, you.

**Pietro:** So, whoever grabbed the gun from me in the dark was trying to kill _him_!

**Pyro:** But, remember what happened next….

_He goes to the door, and picks up the glass from a table._

**Pyro:** Mrs. Peacock took a drink.

_He pretends to chug a glass, then points to Pietro._

**Pyro:** You said, "Maybe it's poisoned!"  She screams!  

_He pretends to scream, in falsetto (which sounds ridiculous, by the way), and takes Kitty by the arm.  She (helpfully?) starts to scream like before.  He gently sits her down on the couch._

**Pyro:** Mr.Green…

_He slaps her.  She immediately stops screaming, glare up at him, and slaps him back.  He falls to the floor._

**Pyro:** *weakly* Yeah…kinda like that…

_He shakes his head to clear it a few times, then jumps back up._

**Pyro:** Then—more screaming—Yvette—the billiard room!  We all rushed out!

_They proceed to do just that, Pyro still in the lead._

_Everybody crowds around the doorway as Pyro moves to sit on the billiard table.  We can just barely see Belladonna's "corpse" lying behind him._

**Rogue:** *grins* An' me without my camera, too…

_But before Belladonna can say anything back, Pyro interrupts._

**Pyro:** But one of us…wasn't here.  *nasally* No.

**All:** *mimic him* No?

**Pyro:** *nasally* No.  *normal* Maybe one of us was murdering the cook.  Who wasn't here with us?

_Pause._

**Todd:** Do you know?

**Pyro:** I do.

_Pause._

**Todd:** …are you gonna tell us?

**Pyro:** And risk spoiling the dramatic tension?  I think not.  While we stood here, trying to stop Yvette from panicking…

**Kitty:** …and bickering with Rogue.

**Pyro:** That, too.

_He runs back out of the room, towards the study._

**Pyro:** …one of us could have stayed in the study, picked up the dagger…

_He picks up a letter opener on the table, pretending it's the dagger._

_Pyro runs down the hall with the "dagger" over his head as everybody watches him from the doorway of the billiard room._

**Pyro:** …run down the hall…

_He runs into the kitchen, everybody else not too far behind._

**Pyro:** …and stabbed the cook!

_He plunges the letter opener into a frozen chicken inside the freezer as everybody else makes it to the doorway._

**Kitty:** Oh, how could he risk it?  We might have seen him running back.

**Pyro:** Not if they used…_this_ secret passage.

_He pushes the back of the freezer door to reveal the passageway.  Kitty, among others, give a gasp of shock._

**Pyro:** And the murderer ran back down the secret passage to the study.

_He leaves the kitchen, running back into the hallway…_

_…heading towards the study._

**Rogue:** *calls after him* Is that where it comes out?

**Pyro:** *yells back* Yes!  Look!

_He runs back into the study, over to the giant portrait, and pushes it open._

**Todd:** Wha--?

**Lance:** How did you know?

**Pyro:** I know all!

_Everyone stares at him, disbelievingly._

**Pyro:** …okay, so the house belongs to a friend of mine.  I've known all along.

**Todd:** So you could be the murderer.

_Pyro laughs._

**Pyro:** Don't be ridiculous.  If I was the murderer, why would I reveal to you how I did it?

**Todd:** I dunno…bragging rights, maybe?

_The other nod._

**Todd:** Well…who else knew about the secret passage?

_Tabby motions to Lance, smacking him in the chest.  He winces at the blow._

**Tabby:** We found it.  Colonel Mustard and me.

**Lance:** You mean _you_ found it.  You could have known about it all the time.

**Tabby:** But I didn't!

**Kitty:** Well, why should we believe you?

**Pyro:** Because she was with us all in the billiard room doorway while Yvette was screaming, don't you remember?

**Kitty:** What I don't understand is why was the cook murdered?  He had nothing to do with Mr. Boddy!

**Pyro:** Of course he did.

_Pyro takes a deep breath._

**Pyro:** I gathered you all here together because you were all implicated in Mr. Boddy's dastardly blackmail.  Did none of you deduce that the others were involved, too?

_They all stare at him blankly._

**Pyro:** …didn't you know the others were in on it?

**Rogue:** What others?

**Pyro: **The cook…and Yvette?

**All:** No!

**Pyro:** That's how he got all his information.  Before he could blackmail anyone, Mr. Boddy had to discover their guilty secret.  The cook and Yvette were his accomplices!

**Lance:** I see!  So…whoever knew…that the cook was involved…killed her?

**Rogue:** He's learning.

**Pyro:** Yes.

_Lance looks very pleased with himself._

**Pyro:** I know, because I was Mr. Boddy's butler, that the cook had worked for one of you.

_He glares around suspiciously._

_Everybody asks who it was, but instead he turns sharply to Rogue._

**Pyro:** You recognized Yvette, didn't you?

**Rogue:** …ya're kidding, right?

**Pyro:** Don't deny it.

**Rogue:** What do ya mean, "don't deny it?"  Ah'm not denying anything!

_She turns to walk away, but Pyro follows her._

**Pyro:** Another denial!

**Rogue:** No…Ah really meant it.  It's true Ah knew Yvette…*mutters* little hussy thinks she can win Remy away from me…

**Belladonna:** *off-screen* We were engaged before he even _knew_ you!

_Rogue waves her hand dismissively._

**Rogue:** Details…details…

_Pyro then turns to face Tabby._

**Pyro:** You knew Yvette, too, didn't you?

**Tabby:** …I did?  Oh, yeah.  Yes, she worked for me.

_Next on Pyro's list is Lance._

**Pyro:** And you also knew her, sir.   We've already established that you were one of Miss Scarlet's…"clients."  That's why you were so desperate to get your hands on those negatives: photographs of you an Yvette in flagrante delicto, remember?

_Lance turns beet red while Pietro and Tabby share a knowing glance before bursting out laughing._

**Lance:** Mr. Boddy threatened to send those pictures to my dear old mother.  The shock would have killed her! …and just for the record, those were body doubles.  BODY DOUBLES, you hear?!  …stop laughing, you two!

**Rogue:** Ha.  That would have been quite an achievement since ya told us that's she's dead already.

_Lance is stumped, caught in a lie._

**Rogue:** *to Pyro* So, he had the motive.

**Pyro:** You all had a motive.

**Lance:** But where and when was Mr. Boddy killed?

**Pyro:** Don't you see?

_He grabs Todd by the arm._

**Pyro:** Look, we came back to the study with Yvette.  Mr. Boddy was on the floor…

_He trips Todd, knocking him to the floor, pretending he's Remy._

**Pyro:** …pretending to be dead.  

_Todd moans from where he hit the ground._

**Todd:** *dazed* No…respect…

**Pyro:** But one of us noticed he's alive.  So, I explained that I was Mr. Boddy's butler and I'd invited you here and we realized there was only one other person in the house…

**All:** The cook!

_Everybody starts running back towards the kitchen through the hallway, but Pyro stays behind._

_They all sprint up the hallway, towards the kitchen._

_The guests enter the kitchen, breathless.  Todd eagerly runs to the freezer, just as he did before…but when he turns around, Pyro's not there._

**Todd:** Well, where is he?

_The freezer door creaks open._

_Tabby screams._

_Pyro, looking quite dead, topples out of the freezer.  Todd sees this and, rolling his eyes, casually steps aside so that Pyro lands on the floor._

_Lying on his back, Pyro opens his eyes to continue the explanation._

**Pyro:** That wasn't very nice, you know…Anyway.  By now, he was dead.  We laid him down, with our backs to the freezer.  One of us slipped through the same secret passage—

**Kitty:** Again…?

**Pyro:** Of course!  Back to the study!

_They all run out._

_Pyro sprints ahead of them and runs over the painting, acting as if he just entered through it._

**Pyro:** The murder was in the secret passage.  Meanwhile, Mr. Boddy…

_Once again, he throws Todd to the floor._

**Pyro:** …had been on the floor.  He jumped up…

_He helps Todd up, but then lets him fall again._

**Pyro:** …the murder came out of the secret panel, picked up the candlestick…

_Pyro acts like he has the candlestick in his hands.  Todd gets up, only to be faced with a threatening-looking Pyro.  Pyro goes after him.  Todd has  a look of panic that might not be acting on the poor boy's face._

_Pyro chases him into the hallway._

**Pyro:** Mr. Boddy followed us out of the study into the hall, looking for an escape.

_Todd faces Pyro, trying to look for a place to run.  Pyro takes the "candlestick" and dashes forward.  Todd turns to run._

**Pyro:** The murderer crept up behind him…and killed him!

_He brings his hand down on Todd's head, knocking him to the floor.  Again.  Todd jumps up angrily, taking off his fake glasses and getting right in Pyro's face._

**Todd:** Will you _stop_ that!?

**Pyro:** No.

_Pyro then grabs Todd, and drags him over towards the bathroom._

**Pyro:** Then…he threw him into the toilet!

_Todd lets out a dramatic cry..._

**Todd:** Noooooo….!

_…as Pyro chucks him into the bathroom, shutting the door and leaning against the frame as he pretends to check his watch._

**Pyro:** And nonchalantly rejoined us beside the cook's body in the kitchen.  It took less than half a minute.

**Lance:** So who wasn't there the entire time in the kitchen?

**Tabby:** And who the heck can move that fast…?

_Everyone turns towards Pietro…then looks away, shaking their heads._

**Tabby:** No.  Too easy.

**Pyro:** Whoever it was is the murderer!

_He runs off._

_Just then, we heard a toilet flush as Todd emerges, drying his hands on a dishtowel.  He casually hands it to Lance and walks off.  Lance stares after him, blinking in confusion._

_Pyro runs back in the study and motions towards the weapons cupboard._

**Pyro:** And we put the weapons in the cupboard, locked it, and ran to the front door…

_He runs out again, nearly colliding with the just-arriving guests in the doorway._

_Pyro opens the front door, acting as if he's about to throw something out._

**Pyro:** …to throw away the key!

_He pauses._

**Pyro:** The motorist!

_He turns back to the crowd, making motions with his pocket as he speaks._

**Pyro:** I didn't throw the key away.  I put it in my pocket.  And someone could have taken it out of my pocket and substituted another!

**Pietro:** We were all in a huddle.  Any one of us could have done that!

**Todd:** Yeah.  Something like that isn't worthy of my incredible talents.

**Pyro:** Precisely!

_The sound of barking is heard from outside, and a burst of flames appear from behind the door, nearly hitting Pyro._

**Pyro:** Yeow!  *mutters* Damn dragon…

_He shuts the door behind him, stomping off._

**Todd:** Wait a minute…Colonel Mustard has a top-secret Pentagon job.  Mrs. White's husband is a nuclear physicist and…

_He runs over to the billiard room door and points inside._

**Todd:** …Yvette is a link between them!

**Tabby:** So…what does that have to do with anything?

**Todd:** *shrugs* I dunno.  Seemed worth mentioning.

_Pietro turns to address Lance._

**Pietro:** What is your top-secret job, Colonel?

**Pyro:** I can tell you.  He's working on the secret of the next fusion bomb.

_Rogue gasps._

**Lance:** How did you know that?

**Pyro:** Can you keep a secret?

_Lance leans in._

**Lance:** Yeah.

**Pyro:** *murmurs* So can I.

 **Kitty:** So is this a plot between them, Wadsworth, or did Colonel Mustard do it alone?

**Pyro:** *mysteriously* We shall see….  Let's look at the other murders.

_The group simultaneously groans when it becomes apparent that Pyro plans to drag this out as long as possible._

**Pietro:** Yes.  Bad luck that that motorist arrived at that moment.

_Pyro appears amused at this last comment._

**Pyro:** It wasn't luck.  I invited him.

**Girls:** You did?!

**Pyro:** Of course.  It's obvious.  Everyone here tonight was either Mr. Boddy's victim or accomplice.  Everyone who has died gave him vital information about one of you.  I got them here so they'd give evidence against him and force him to confess.

**Pietro:** *snorts* Guess that plan went down the gutter pretty quickly, huh?

**Tabby:** Oh, yeah?  What about that motorist?  What kind of information did he have.

_Lance speaks up, almost tearfully._

**Lance:** He was my driver during the war.

_He collapses into a chair._

**Pyro:** And what was he holding over you?

**Lance:** He knew that I was a war profiteer….  I stole essential Air Force radio parts and I sold them on the black market.  That is how I made all my money.

_He looks up._

**Lance:** But that does not make me a murderer!

**Kitty:** Well, a lot of our airmen died because their radios didn't work!

**Lance:** …

**Kitty:** Was the policeman working for Mr. Boddy, too?

_Tabby, standing right next to Kitty, speaks up._

**Tabby:** The cop was from Washington.  He was on my payroll.  I bribed him once a week so I could carry on with business.  Mr. Boddy found out somehow…

_She looks more annoyed at the fact than upset.  Kitty looks at her, completely revolted._

**Kitty:** Oh, my God…

**Tabby:** Oh, please…*scoffs*

**Todd:** And…the singing telegram girl?

_Outside, the rain has surprisingly stopped and all traces that would indicate it rained at all have evaporated.  The guests all open the door, and stare down at the singing telegram girl's corpse…a.k.a.  Jean's sleeping form._

**Pietro:** *quietly* She was my patient once.  I had—

_He's interrupted as Jean lets out a LOUD snore._

**Pietro:** I had an affair with her.  That's how I lost my license.  Mr. Boddy found that out, too.

_Pause._

**Lance:** …you had an affair with JEAN?!

**Pietro:** Don't remind me.

_He shudders._

**Pyro:** Well…

_He claps his hands together._

**Pyro:** Let's put her in the study with the others.

_The four guys carry Jean's body into the study, carelessly dumping her on the floor._

**Pyro:** So.  Now you know why they died.  Whoever killed Mr. Boddy also wanted his accomplices dead.

**Pietro:** How did the murderer know about them all?  I mean, I admit that I had guessed that this little bitch…I mean, snitch…informed on me to Mr. Boddy, but I didn't know anything about any of you until this evening.

**Pyro:** First, the murder needed to get the weapons.  Easy.  He stole the key from my pocket.  And then we all followed Colonel Mustard's suggestion that we split up and search the house.

**Kitty:** That's right, it was Colonel Mustard's suggestion!

_Lance keeps his eyes glued to the floor, not wanting to see anyone glare accusingly at him._

**Pyro:** And one of us got away from his or her partner and hurried to the study.  On the desk was the envelope from Mr. Boddy.  It contained photographs and letters—evidence of Mr. Boddy's network of informants.

**Rogue:** Where is the envelope now?

**Pyro:** Gone.  Destroyed.

_He looks around, then steps to the fireplace._

**Pyro:** Perhaps in the fire…

_He throws aside the grate and digs around in the ashes a bit._

**Pyro:** The only possible place.

_Sure enough, he pulls out the remains of the taps made earlier._

**Pyro:** Ah ha!  Told ya so.  Then, having found out the whole story, the murderer went to the cupboard, unlocked it with the key, took out the wrench—

_Tabby rushes out into the hallway, motioning inside the lounge._

**Tabby:** Then, we found the secret passage from the conservatory to the lounge…where we found the motorist dead!

**Pyro:** Hey, who's telling the story here.  You or me?

_Tabby rolls her eyes, motioning for him to continue._

**Pyro:** …and we couldn't get in.  So Yvette ran to the open cupboard and shot the door open.

_He turns around as if running to get the gun from the cupboard, then points his fingers at the lounge door._

**Pyro:** BANG!  And then…the doorbell rang!

_On cue, the doorbell rings!_

_Everyone freezes in terror._

**Kitty:** Oh, whoever it is, they gotta go away, or they'll be killed!  Ohh!

_She walks up the front steps and opens the front door._

_Warren stands outside with a pamphlet in his hands.  He sighs and turns to the camera._

**Warren:** I'm not getting paid enough for this.

**Ryo:** *off-screen* What do you care?  You're rich!  Now, say the line!

_With a small groan, he puts on a fake smile to address the group._

**Warren:** Good evening.  Have you ever given any though to the Kingdom of Heaven?

_Everybody stares at him as if he sprouted wings…okay, bad example._

**Kitty:** …what?

**Warren:** Repent!  The kingdom of heaven IS at hand!

**Tabby:** You ain't just whistlin' Dixie.

**Warren:** Armageddon is almost upon us!

**Pietro:** I got news for you; it's already here!

_Kitty moves to shut the door on him._

**Kitty:** Go away!

**Warren:** But your souls are in danger!

**Kitty:** Our _lives_ are in danger, you beatnik!

_She closes the door, trapping many of his pamphlets in the doorway.  Meanwhile, Pyro continues on as if nothing happened._

**Pyro:** The cop arrived next.  We locked him in the library—

**Todd:** _You_ locked him in the library.

**Pyro:** *ignores him* We forgot the cupboard with the weapons was now unlocked.  Then, we split up again, and the murderer switched off the electricity!

_He walks over to the cellar door entrance and pulls down the switch.  Everything goes black._

**Todd:** [v/o] Oh, my God.

**Rogue:** [v/o] *panicky squeal*

**Kitty:** [v/o] *annoyed* Not again…

**Tabby:** [v/o] *rather pissed off* Turn on the lights!!!

_Pyro turns back on the lights._

**Pyro:** Sorry.  Didn't mean to frighten you.

**Todd:** You're a bit late for that!  *to Rogue* I hate it when he does that!

_She makes a sound similar to the breathless squeal heard in the darkness._

**Pyro:** Then, there were three more murders.

**Lance:** *sarcastically* Oh?  You're not gonna go into detail on _those_ murders, too?

**Pyro:** Well, if you insist—

**All:** *quickly* NO!

**Rogue:** So which of us killed them?

**Pyro:** None of us killed Mr. Boddy or the cook.

**Todd/Rogue:** So who did?

**Pyro:** The one person who wasn't with us.

_The guests try to figure it out, Rogue and Todd looking at one another simultaneously with looks of realization on their faces._

**Pyro:** Yvette.

**All:** YVETTE?!

**Rogue:** AH KNEW IT!!!

~Flashback to: an image of Belladonna sitting on the pool table.

**Pyro:** [v/o] She heard the gunshot…

~Flashback to: Remy's "corpse" being turned on it's back.

**Pyro:** [v/o] …she thought he was dead.

~Flashback to: Everybody crowding around the broken vase and bullet hole.

**Pyro:** [v/o] And while we all examined the bullet hole, she crept into the study, picked up the dagger…

~Flashback to: Belladonna peeking in the door of the study, kneeling down, and grabbing the dagger off the floor.

**Pyro:** [v/o] …ran to the kitchen, and stabbed the cook.

~Flashback to: Belladonna stabbing Fred in the back.  He lets out a silent scream.

**Pyro:** [v/o] We didn't hear the cook scream because Mrs. Peacock was screaming about the "poisoned" brandy.

~Flashback to: Kitty screaming in the study.

**Pyro:** [v/o] Then, Yvette returned to the billiard room.  She screamed…and we all ran to her.

_Cut to the present, where everybody is still standing in the hallway._

**Lance:** Well, when did she kill Mr. Boddy?

**Pyro:** When I said.  We all ran to the kitchen to see the cook.  Yvette hid in the study to check that Mr.Boddy was dead.

~Flashback to: Belladonna hiding behind a chair in the lounge.  The following events occur just as Pyro describes them.

**Pyro:** [v/o] He got up and followed them down the hall, so she hit him on the head with a candlestick and dragged him to the toilet.

_Back to the hall, present._

**Tabby:** Why?

**Pyro:** To create confusion.

**Pietro:** *sarcastically* But of course!

_Kitty fans herself._

**Kitty:** *exasperated* It worked!

_Lance nods in agreement._

**Pietro:** But why did she do it?

**Pyro:** Was it because she was acting under orders?  …from the person who later _killed_ her!?

**Pietro:** Who?!

**Kitty:** Who?!

**Tabby:** Who?!

_Pyro slowly walks around the room, stopping at random guests._

**Pyro:** Was it one of her clients?

_He turns to Lance._

**Pyro:** Or was it a jealous wife?

_He walks passed Rogue._

**Pyro:** Or an adulterous doctor?

_He addresses Pietro._

**Pyro:** No.  It was her employer, Miss Scarlet!

_Tabby stands up abruptly._

**Tabby:** That's a lie!

**Pyro:** Is it?  

**Lance:** Huh. Didn't see that one coming.

_Pyro stares her down accusingly._

**Pyro:** You used her, the way you always used her.

_Tabby stares at him incredulously, mouth open in shock._

**Pyro:** You killed the motorist when we split up to search the house.

**Tabby:** How could I have known about the secret passage?

**Pyro:** Easy.  Yvette told you.

**Tabby:** Oh, you just have aaaall the answers, don't you.

**Pyro:** Naturally.  So, when we split up again…

~Flashback to: Tabby, wearing black gloves, as she turns off the electricity.

**Pyro:** [v/o]…you switched off the electricity.  It was easy for you, here on the ground floor.  

~Flashback to: a series of events occurring just as Pyro describes them.

**Pyro:** [v/o] Then, in the dark, you got the led pipe and the rope, strangled Yvette, ran to the library, killed the cop, picked up the gun where Yvette dropped it, opened the front door, recognized the singing telegram from her photograph, and shot her.

_Cut back to the hall, present._

_Tabby scoffs lightly._

**Tabby:** You've no proof.

**Pyro:** The gun is missing.  Gentlemen, turn out your pockets.  Ladies, empty your purses.  Whoever has the gun is the murderer.

_They all do as Pyro says.  Suddenly, Tabby pulls out the revolver and points it as Wadsworth._

**Tabby:** *impressed* Brilliantly worked out, Wadsworth.  I congratulate you.

_Pyro shrugs off the praise._

**Pyro:** It was no big deal, really.  I had help.

_He holds up a copy of the script._

**Ryo:** *off-screen, dryly* Cute.  Very cute.

_Tabby starts to slowly make her way to the front door._

**Lance:** *VERY impressed* Me, too!

**Tabby:** Shut up!

_He recoils in fear as she points the gun at him._

**Todd:** Now, there's one thing I don't understand.

**Pietro:** ONE thing?

**Todd:** Why did you do it?  Half of Washington knows what kind of business you run.  You were in no real danger.  The whole town would be implicated if you were exposed!

**Tabby:** I don't think they know my real business.  My business is secrets, and Yvette found them out for me.

_She slowly saunters around the room._

**Tabby:** The secrets of Senator Peacock's defense committee…of Colonel Mustard's fusion bomb…Professor Plum's U.N. contacts…

_She walks right up to Rogue._

**Tabby:** And the work of your husband, the nuclear physicist.

**Todd:** So it _is_ political.  You're a communist!

**Tabby:** *sighs* And that, people, is what we call "McCarthyism"  No, Mr. Green.  Communism is just a red herring.  Like all members of the oldest profession, I'm a capitalist.  And I'm gonna sell my secrets—your secrets—to the highest bidder.

**Lance:** And what if we don't cooperate.

**Tabby:** You will.  Or I'll expose you.

**Pietro:** We could expose you.  Six murders…?

_She points the gun at him._

**Tabby:** …want me to make it seven?

_Lance starts towards her, but halts in his tracks when she brings the revolver around to point it at him._

**Lance:** It's no good blackmailing me, madam.  I have no more money!

_The others agree, claiming the same thing._

**Tabby:** I know, sweetie pie.  But you can pay me in government information.

_She waves the gun around, motioning to the other guests._

**Tabby:** All of you.

_She pauses, then walks over to Pyro, pointing the revolver at him._

**Tabby:** Except you, Wadsworth.  You, as a mere butler, have no access to government secrets.  

_She cocks the gun at him._

**Tabby:** So, I'm afraid your moment has come.

_Pyro remains calm, though he is now starring down the gun's barrel._

**Pyro:** Not so fast, Miss Scarlet.  I do have a secret or two.

**Tabby:** Oh, yeah?  Such as…?

**Pyro:** The game's up, Scarlet.  There are no more bullets left in that gun.

**Tabby:** Oh, come on.  You don't think I'm gonna fall for that old trick?

**Pyro:** It's not a trick.

_He starts counting off the bullets on his fingers._

**Pyro:** It's not a trick.  There was one shot at Mr. Boddy in the study, two for the chandelier, two at the lounge door, and one for the singing telegram.

**Tabby:** That's not six.

**Pyro:** One plus two plus two plus one.  

_Pietro holds up a calculator._

**Pietro:** He's right.

_Tabby thinks about this for a moment._

**Tabby:** Uh-uh.  There was only one shot that got the chandelier.  That's one plus two plus ONE plus one.

**Pyro:** Even if you are right, that would be one plus ONE plus two plus one, not one plus TWO plus one plus one.

_The calculator in Pietro's hands starts to give off sparks as he tries to correct the calculations._

**Tabby:** Okay, fine.  One plus two plus— *angered* Shut up!  Point is, there's one bullet left in this gun and guess who's gonna get it?

**Pyro:** …do I get a hint?

_The doorbell rings just then.  As Tabby is briefly distracted by it, Pyro takes that opportunity to grab her arm with the gun, twisting it around her back and taking the gun.  She is forced to kneel on the floor._

**Tabby:** Oh, come on…this is a new dress!

_Todd leaps to the door and opens it.  Taryn, Duncan, Amanda, Paul, and anybody else from the show who wasn't previously given a part rushes in, all dressed in police uniforms.  They swarm the house._

_Todd cowers by the closet in the foyer._

_Lance holds his hands up, giving a half-hearted smile._

**Lance:** I'm only a guest!

_Pyro, still holding onto Tabby, looks up._

**Pyro:** Where's the chief?

_Warren steps through the doorway, gun in hand._

**Warren:** Now _this_ is more like it.

_Kitty stares, mouth open._

**Kitty:** You're kidding…

**Warren:** Ah, Wadsworth, well done.  *to Tabby* I did warn you, my dear.  Mr. Hoover is an expert on Armageddon.

_Pyro pulls the girl to her feet.  She turns to him sweetly._

**Tabby:** Wadsworth…don't hate me for trying to shoot you…

**Pyro:** Frankly, Scarlet, I don't give a damn.

_He holds up the gun._

**Pyro:** As I was trying to tell you, there are no bullets left in this gun.  You see?

_He pulls the trigger, firing the sixth bullet.  It hits the rope supporting another chandelier from the ceiling._

_Pyro looks perplexed._

_Tabby looks triumphant._

**Tabby:** Told ya so.

**Pyro:** *quietly* One plus two…

**Tabby/Pyro: ***correcting* ..plus _one_…

_The camera switches to reveal Lance, who is trying to count on his fingers._

**Lance:** …plus two…plus one…is—

_He's interrupted when the chandelier shatters on the floor, right behind him.  He jumps in surprise._

**Lance:** HOLY SHI—

_And the camera freezes on that particular shot._

*cue music*

_A Jamie clone appears on-screen, holding a card that reads:_

THAT'S WHAT COULD HAVE HAPPENED…

_It runs back off-screen, replaced with another Jamie clone holding another card that reads:_

…BUT HOW ABOUT THIS?

*          *          *          *          *          *

**Ryo:** And…cut! 

No sooner does she say that, when Pyro collapses to the floor in exhaustion.  The others kinda just stare at him.  After a moment, Ryo grabs a long stick and pokes his motionless form.

**Ryo:**  He better not stay like this for too long…we've got two more scenes to do!


	10. Ending 2

Ack!  Summer homework is evil. I hafta read the Constitution, answer questions about it, and also read two other books for English class.  Why can't these teachers leave us alone, huh?!?

As a side note for any of you interested, the only reason I managed to get this up tonight is because our house happens to be one of the lucky few on a power generators.  That's also why this is so short; I didn't have much time to write.  There's chaos in New York, people, I'll say that right now.  We had to salvage what perishables from my mother's bakery that we could, and every business in town is closed.  Fortunately, we're a small town and have been able to help one another make do until they figure out what happened to the power plants.  I just feel so bad for those poor people in the city with 90 degree weather and no air conditioning…

_______________

The usual hustle and bustle that occurs behind-the-scenes was brought to a surprising halt when everybody realized it was time for the next time scene.  Well…that, and the fact that St. John was still unconscious.

**Pyro:** *snore*

They tried dousing him with water, pouring coffee down his throat, poking him with numerous objects, and the promise of a 20% pay raise (not that it would have made much difference, as they weren't being paid to begin with, but…you know…).  Nothing worked.

**Ryo:** This is ridiculous.  I say he's faking it.

Wanda looks up from her book.

**Wanda:** Okay, I've got one last method.  Hopefully, it'll work.

She clears her throat as the room goes silent.

**Wanda:** FIRE!!!

Pyro jumps up at this, eyes darting around enthusiastically.

**Pyro:** Fire?!  Where?!

**Wanda:** *smirks* Works every time.

**Ryo:** Nice job, Wanda…TO THE SET, PEOPLE!

*          *          *          *          *          *

_The lights are turned back on, leaving everybody still standing in the hallway._

**Pyro:** *breathlessly* In the dark, the murderer ran across the hall to the study, picked up the rope and the lead pipe, ran to the billiard room, strangled Yvette…

_He demonstrates on Rogue, grabbing her by the neck…and promptly falls unconscious._

_Rogue looks down at his unconscious form, holding her head._

**Rogue:** Ya'd think he'd know better than that.

**Ryo:** *off-screen* Damnit!  Not again!  Wanda…

**Wanda:** *off-screen* FIRE!

_Pyro jumps back up again._

**Pyro:** Now, where was I?  Oh, yes…ran to the library and hit the cop on the head with the lead pipe. Then, coming out of the library, the doorbell rang—it was the singing telegram.  The murderer picked up the gun where Yvette dropped it, ran to the door, opened it, recognized the girl from her picture, shot her…

_He grabs Kitty's hand, leading her over to the cellar door._

**Pyro:** …and ran back to the cellar!

**All:** The cellar!

**Pyro:** Yes.

**Kitty:** But Colonel Mustard wasn't in the cellar.

_He turns to her accusingly._

**Pyro:** No.  But _you_ were.

~*DUN-DUN-DUN*~

**Ryo:** *off-screen* Knock it off and stick to your script, Bobby!

**Bobby:** *off-screen* Sorry.

_Kitty pauses to take off her fake glasses._

**Kitty:** …so?

**Pyro:** You murdered them all.  You were the person who was missing when the cook and Mr. Boddy were murdered.  And the cook used to be your cook!  Don't you remember your fatal—no pun intended—mistake?  You told us at dinner that we were eating on of your favorite recipes.  And monkey's brains, though popular in Cantonese cuisine, are not often to be found in Washington, D.C.

_Todd walks by, looking sick._

**Todd:** Is that what we ate?

_He covers his mouth and runs for the bathroom._

**Lance:** This from a guy who eats bugs.

**Kitty:** Why would I have murdered all of the others?

**Pyro:** Obviously, in case Mr. Boddy had told them about you.

**Kitty:** *sarcastically* Oh, _obviously_.

**Pietro:** So it has all nothing to do with the disappearing nuclear physicist and Colonel Mustard's work on the new fusion bomb.

_Pyro grins, giving a slight chuckle._

**Pyro:** No.  Communism was just a red herring.

**Tabby:** …anybody else getting a sense of déjà vu here?

**Pyro:** Mrs. Peacock did it all.

_Everybody turns to stare at Kitty._

**Kitty:** There's no proof.

**Pyro:** Well.  The gun is missing.  Gentlemen, turn out your pockets.  Ladies, empty your purses.

_The camera shows Tabby opening hers, revealing no gun._

**Tabby:** …like I'd be stupid enough to make that mistake twice.

**Pyro:** Whoever has the gun is the murderer.

_Kitty calmly opens up her purse and pulls out the gun, pointing it at Pyro._

**Kitty:** Very well.  What do you propose to do about it?

_She slowly begins to make her way to the front door._

**Pyro:** …nothing.

**Kitty:** Nothing?

**Pyro:** Nothing at all.  I don't approve of murder.  Mad destruction and chaos, yes.  Murder, no.  But it seems to me that you've done the world a service by ridding it of an appalling blackmailer and his disgusting informers.

**Remy:** *off-screen* Remy c'n _still_ hear y'!

**Belladonna/Fred/Scott/Kurt:** *off-screen* So can we!

_Jean adds to it by giving off a loud snore._

**Todd:** But…the police will be here any minute!  What happens then?

**Pyro:** Why should the police come?  Nobody's called them.

_Everybody's shocked by this revelation._

**Tabby:** THEN WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT WHOLE "FIND THE MURDER IN THIRTY MINUTES BEFORE THE F^*&!#@ POLICE ARRIVE" ABOUT?!

**Pyro:** Um…bluff?

**Kitty:** You mean…

_Pyro smiles._

**Pyro:** That's right.  Now, I suggest that we stack the bodies in the cellar, lock it, leave quietly one at a time, and pretend that none of this has ever happened.

**Kitty:** Great idea!  I'll leave first…if you don't mind.

_The last part of her sentence holds more than a bit of sarcasm to it.  She then uses the gun to wave the other guests into a group_

**Pyro:** Be my guest.  In fact, I think we all owe you a vote of thanks.

_He starts singing in a surprisingly appealing baritone._

**Pyro:** *sings* For she's a jolly good fellow—

**Kitty:** a _what_?

_Kitty waves the gun in warning. Pyro quickly chances lyrics._

**Pyro:** Er…*sings* female, for she's a jolly good FEMALE…

**Kitty:** That's better.

_The others start to sing along as well, with Rouge harmonizing a bit._

_Kitty, still cautiously holding the gun, slips out the front door.  As soon as it shuts behind her, the party stops singing.  They all sigh in relief, glad that the immediate danger is over._

_Todd is the first to speak up._

**Todd:** *smugly* I TOLD you I didn't do it!

_Everybody chooses to ignore him._

**Lance:** But what if the authorities find out what happened?

**Pyro:** The F.B.I. will take care of that.

**Lance:** You mean…?

**Pyro:** My phone call from Mr, Hoover?  I work for him, of course.  How else could I have known everything about you all?

**Lance:** There's still one thing I don't understand.

**Rogue:** ONE thing?

**Tabby:** huh…there's that feeling again…

**Lance:** Who was Mrs. Peacock taking bribes from?

**Pyro:** A foreign power.  Her husband, the senator, has influence over defense contracts.

**Pietro:** Is there going to be a cover-up.

**Pyro:** Well, _duh_…

**Pietro:** But is the F.B.I. in the habit of cleaning up after multiple murder?

**Pyro:** Yes.  Why do you think it's run by a man called "Hoover"?

~*rimshot*~

_Everybody groans._

_Outside the mansion, Kitty has taken her keys out and is getting ready to get into her car.  Warren steps out onto the driveway._

**Warren:** Oh, Mrs. Peacock…?

**Kitty:** *cautiously* How did you know my name?

**Warren:** The kingdom of heaven IS at hand…

_He suddenly whips out a gun and points it straight at her.  Floodlights inside the bushes engage and cops (anyone not given a previous role) pour out of the yard._

**Warren:** Take her away!

**Kitty:** Take your hands off me!  I'm the senator's wife!

_The front doors open and the guests, Pyro in the lead, rush out to the porch.  _

**Kitty:** [v/o] I thought you said you never called the police!

**Pyro:** Psyche.

_Warren stands there to greet them, calmly lighting a prop cigarette._

**Warren:** Wadsworth, we got her.

_Pyro doesn't turn around, but addresses the group._

**Pyro:** You see?  We're like the Mounties; we always get our man.

**Todd:** …Mrs. Peacock was a MAN?!

_Rolling his eyes, Pyro slaps him.  While Todd is still recovering, Lance does the same._

_Pyro then turns to the guests._

**Pyro:** Would anyone care for fruit, or…dessert?

_Everybody groans, as Rogue slaps her forehead._

_The camera freezes._

~*Cue music*~

_Another Jamie clone appears, holding a card that reads:_

BUT HERE'S WHAT REALLY HAPPENED…

*          *          *          *          *          *

**Ryo:** And…cut.  Huh.  She was right; that _was_ a short one.

**Evan:** Well…it _is_ her least favorite ending, after all.

**Ryo:** True.  But the best is yet to come, people; the third—not to mention _real_ ending.  To both the movie, and the fic!

Everybody both on- and off-stage simultaneously cheers.

**Ryo:** …and while your waiting for the final chapter to come out, why not check out this awesome new parody by the authoress _Fiora-da-Insane_ called "The X-Brothers" based on _The Blues Brothers_.  Y'know, parodies seem to be a really big thing right now…

The intercom from the sound room crackles slightly.

**Bobby:** *speaker* You're not even gonna _try_ being subtle, are you?

**Ryo:** Now where would be the fun in that? 'Sides, _DragonBlond_ is about as subtle as a train wreck when she wants to be.

A piece of the fourth wall suddenly breaks apart, hitting Ryo on the head.

**No insulting me using lines from my own fics!**

Ryo rubs the back of her head in pain as she mutters to herself, glancing upwards.

**Ryo:** *mutters*  One more chapter…just _one_ more chapter….


	11. The REAL ending

Heh.  I had a friend stay over last weekend, and guess which movie we rented?!   It was pretty funny watching the original  _Clue_, while imagining the _Evo_ characters in their places.  Poor Laura had no idea why I started cracking up every time a new character came on-screen….

_______________

Ryo sits confidently in her director's chair, legs crossed, director's hat casually titled to one side, and her beloved bullhorn in one hand.  Just like when this whole thing started.  And just like when it started, she faces the camera with a wide grin on her face.

**Ryo:** Well, you knew it was bound to come sooner or later:  the final chapter of _Whodunit?_

Cheering can be heard in the background; bits of confetti flutter on-camera.

**Ryo:** All will be revealed as we finally learn the answers to those burning questions:  Who killed Mr. Boddy?  Will the killer-slash-killers be brought to justice?  And just what _does_ "Furi Kuri" mean, anyway?

**Evan:** Um…Ry?  Wrong show….

*          *          *          *          *          *

_Pyro turns the power back on in the mansion.  The lights return, revealing the same scene as the first two endings._

**Pyro:** Sorry.  Didn't mean to frighten anyone.

**Todd:** *shouts* You're a bit late for that!

**Pyro:** Then, there were three more murders.

**All:** So who did it?!

_Pyro starts striding away, down the hall._

**Pyro:** Let's consider each murder one by one.

_Everybody groans at this._

**Lance:** I think this guy just likes hearing the sound of his own voice.

**Pietro:** Well, that's understandable…

**Pyro:** Professor Plum, you knew that Mr. Boddy was still alive.  Even _psychiatrists_ can tell the difference between patients who are alive or dead.  You fired the gun at him in the dark…and missed! So, you pretended he was dead.  That's how you were able to kill him later _unobserved_.

_A light goes on in Tabby's head._

**Tabby:** That's right!  He was the missing person in the kitchen after we found the cook dead!

**Pietro:** Tattletale.

**Todd:** But he was with us in the billiard room when we found Yvette screaming.  If that's when the cook was killed, how did he do it?

**Pietro:** I didn't!

**Kitty:** Oh, well, you don't expected us to believe that, do you?

_Pyro turns around to face her._

**Pyro:** I expect you to believe it.  You killed the cook.  He used to be _your_ cook, and he informed on you to Mr. Boddy.

_Pyro enters the dining room and sits down in Kitty's chair from earlier, pretending to be seated for dinner. The guests all gather in the doorway._

**Pyro:** You made one fatal mistake; sitting here, at dinner, Mrs. Peacock told us that she was eating one of her favorite recipes.

_He slowly stands up, glaring at her._

**Pyro:** And monkey's brains, though popular in Cantonese cuisine, are not often to be found in Washington D.C.

**Tabby:** *rolls eyes* Ya, you told us that already…

_Everybody turns to stare at Kitty, who promptly blushes._

**Pietro:** Didn't know you had it in ya, Kit-Kat!

**Kitty:** Humph.  He deserved it.  That bastard actually _dared_ to insult my cooking by claiming his muffins were better than mine!

_More than one person opens his/her mouth…but then decides it might be better *not* to say anything._

**Fred:** *off-stage* I said it before an' I'll say it again…never trust a skinny cook!

_The party reenters the hallway.  Pyro suddenly turns to Lance._

**Pyro:** Colonel Mustard, when we first saw the motorist at the front door…

~Flashback to:  a view of the inside of the huddle when Kurt arrived.  The rest of the events occur just as Pyro describes them.

**Pyro:** …you took the key to the weapons cupboard out of my pocket.  Then we suggested that we all split up.  You separated from Miss Scarlet, crossed the hall, opened the cupboard, took the wrench, ran to the conservatory, entered the lounge through the secret passage, killed the motorist with a blow on the head.

_The camera cuts to the present, inside the lounge, where Pyro pretends to act out the murder._

**Pyro:** Like that!

**Lance:** Okay, smartass…how was I supposed to know about the secret passage, huh?

**Pyro:** …

**Lance:** …

**Pyro:** …

**Lance:** …

**Pyro:** …plothole?

_Lance smacks his forehead with one hand._

_Pyro then runs back into the hallway, grabbing Rogue by the [gloved] hand._

**Rogue:** This is incredible!

**Pyro:** Not so incredible as what happened next!

_He starts running up the stairs, leaving Rogue as she trips over a step towards the bottom._

**Pyro:** After we all split up again, I went upstairs with you…yes, YOU, Mrs. White!

_He stops at the landing, grabs hold of the pillar at the top of the stairs, and smoothly swings himself around on it so he faces the guests._

**Pyro:** And, while I was in the master bedroom…

~Flashback to: Rogue hurrying down the stairs while the lights were still on.  The rest of the scene plays out just as Pyro describes it.

**Pyro:** You hurried downstairs and turned off the electricity, got the rope from the open cupboard, and throttled Yvette.

_Cut to the present, in the Hallway.  Everybody turns to stare at Rogue._

**Rogue:** …oh, don't act so surprised.

**Pyro:** You _were_ jealous that your husband was schtuping Yvette.  That's why you killed him, too! 

_Rogue, who had been on the stairs, makes her way down to the base so she can address the group._

**Rogue:** Yes.  Yes, Ah did it.  Ah killed Yvette…an' Ah'd do it again, too!

_She starts giggling insanely to herself.  A few of the others slowly inch away from her._

**Evan:** *off-screen* Aren't you gonna say anything, Ry?

**Ryo:** *off-screen* Actually, I like her version better.

_After securing enough distance between himself and the slightly-insane Goth, Pyro continues._

**Pyro:** While you were in the billiard room…

Flashback to: the events occurring just as Pyro describes them.

**Pyro:** Miss Scarlet seized the opportunity and, under cover of darkness, got to the library, where she hit the cop—whom she'd been bribing—on the head with the lead pipe.

_Cut to, present, in the hallway, where Pyro casually walks by and then turns around to face Tabby._

**Pyro:** True or False?

_Tabby folds her arms, smiling in amazement._

**Tabby:** True!  Who are you, Perry Mason?

**Pietro:** So it must have been Mr. Green who shot the singing telegram girl.

_All eyes go to Todd, who widens his in alarm._

**Todd:** I didn't do it!

**Lance:** Well, there's nobody else left!

**Todd:** But I didn't do it!  …the gun is missing!  Whoever's got the gun shot the girl!

_With a smug look, Pryo pulls the gun from his pants pocket._

**Pyro:** I shot her.

**All but Todd:** You?!

_Todd stares at him knowingly._

**Todd:** So it was you.  I was going to expose you.

**Pyro:** I know, so I chose to expose myself.

**Lance:** Please, there are ladies present!

**Pyro:** You thought Mr. Boddy was dead…but why?  None of you even met him until tonight.

_A light goes on in Todd's head.  He opens his mouth wide in realization, pointing a finger at Pyro._

**Todd:** …you're Mr. Boddy!

_Pyro grins and starts to chuckle evilly._

**Lance:** Huh.  Yet another unexpected twist.  Bummer.

**Pietro:** Wait a minute…

_He zips to the study door and points inside._

**Pietro:** So who did I kill?

_Pyro shrugs casually._

**Pyro:** My butler.

**Pietro:** *disappointedly* Shucks…

_He snaps his fingers in defeat.  Pyro casually uses the revolver to wave him back over to the group._

**Pyro:** He was expendable, like all of you.

**Remy:** *off-stage* Don' make Remy come out dere, fire boy.

_Pyro casually walks by each of the guests, smiling in triumph._

**Pyro:** I'm grateful to you all for disposing of my network of spies and informers.  Saved me a lot of trouble.  Now there's no evidence against me.

**Rogue:** This all has nothing ta do with my disappearing nuclear physicist husband...or Colonel Mustard's work with the new, top-secret fusion bomb?

_At this, Pyro gives a slight chuckle._

**Pyro:** No.  Communism was just a red…herring.

_Keeping his eyes on the guests, he quickly runs to the front door.  The revolver is trained on the entire party._

_Todd steps away from the rest of the guests._

**Todd:** But…the police will be here any minute!  You'll never get away with this, any of you!

**Pyro:** Why should the police come?  Nobody's called him.

**Kitty:** You mean…oh, my God, of course!

**Pyro:** So why shouldn't we get away with it?  We'll stack the bodies in the cellar, lock it, leave quietly one at a time, and forget that any of this ever happened.

_Todd takes off his glasses and starts to tuck him in his jacket's inside pocket._

**Todd:** And you'll just go on…blackmailing us all.

**Pyro:** Of course.  Why not?  I've already established I'm evil, haven't I?

**Todd:** Well, I'll tell you why not…

_He suddenly whips out a pistol from inside his jacket, bends down on one knee, aims, and fires all in less than a second.  Pyro tries to get off a shot, but isn't quick enough.  He gets hit in the side of his abdomen, recoiling against the closet door._

**Pyro:** *shocked* Good shot, Green.

_He slowly slides down to the floor until he's in a seating position.  Then, Pyro pulls his hand away from the wound, revealing the [fake] blood pouring from his "chest," then back at Todd._

**Pyro:** Very good….

_Leaning his head back against the door, he dies._

_Todd stands up straight, lowering the pistol.  Already, he shows an aura of confidence and control he didn't have before._

**Todd:** *smirking* Oh, yeah…who's da man?!

_Rogue takes a step towards him, but he points the pistol at her._

**Rogue:** Are ya a cop?

**Todd:** *sarcastically* No, I'm a plant.

**Tabby:** *smirking* A plant?  I thought men like you were usually called a "fruit."

_He wrinkles his nose at her._

**Todd:** *dryly* Very funny.

_With a quick glare towards the camera (or rather, the person behind it), he reaches into his jacket again, pulling out a badge._

**Todd:** F.B.I.  That phone call from J.  Edgar Hoover was for me.

_He hops up to the front door and grabs the handle as he faces the rest of the group, grinning._

**Todd:** I told you I didn't do it!

_He opens the door and cops pour in, guns raised.  The remaining five guests all put their hands in the air._

_Warren walks through the door and stands next to Todd._

**Warren: **Alright; whodunit?

_The guests all start talking at once, trying to explain by blaming the other four._

_Todd shouts above the din._

**Todd:** They all did it!  But if you want to know who killed Mr. Boddy…

_He motions towards Pyro's "corpse" off to the side.  Warren nods, urging him to continue._

**Todd:** *grinning* I did.  In the hall, with the revolver.  

_Warren pats him on the back, smirking._

**Todd:** Take 'em away chief.  I'm gonna go home and sleep with my wife…

_The Camera freezes as Todd turns to leave, both he and Warren grinning._

~*cue music: "Shake Rattle and Roll"*~

[credits begin to roll]

_Well, get out of that bed, wash your face and hands._  
_Get out of that bed, wash your face and hands_  
_Well, get in that kitchen_  
_Make some noise with the pots and pans._

MRS. PEACOCK:  Kathryn "Kitty" Pryde

_I believe it to my soul, you're the devil in nylon hose._  
_I believe it to my soul, you're the devil in nylon hose._  
_For the harder I work, the faster my money goes._

MRS. WHITE: Rogue…er…just "Rogue"

_Well, I said shake, rattle and roll._  
_I said shake, rattle and roll._  
_I said shake, rattle and roll._

WADSWORTH: St. John "Pyro" Allerdyce

_I said shake, rattle and roll._  
_Well, you won't do right_  
_To save your doggone soul._

_I'm like the one-eyed cat peeping in a seafood store._

PROFESSOR PLUM: Pietro Maximoff-Lehnsherr

_I'm like the one-eyed cat peeping in a seafood store  
Well, I can look at you, tell you ain't no child no more._

MR. GREEN: Todd Tolansky

_I believe you're doing me wrong and now I know._  
_I believe you're doing me wrong and now I know._  
_'cause the harder I work, the faster my money goes._

COLONEL MUSTARD: Lance Alvers

_Well, I said shake, rattle and roll._  
_I said shake, rattle and roll._  
_I said shake, rattle and roll._  
_I said shake, rattle and roll._

MISS SCARLET: Tabbitha Smith

_Well, you won't do right_  
_To save your doggone soul._

YVETTE: Belladonna Boudreaux

_Play it again!_

MR. BODDY: Remy LeBeau

_I went over the hill, way down underneath._  
_I went over the hill, way down underneath.  
You make me roll my eyes  
And then you make me grit my teeth…_

*          *          *          *          *          *

As the music continues to play in the background, everybody on- and off-stage dances to the tune.  Random partners were pulled out of thin air as they all tried their hand at swing-dancing—most of them, surprisingly good at it.

_Well, I said shake, rattle and roll._  
_Shake, rattle and roll._  
_I said shake, rattle and roll._  
_I said shake, rattle and roll.  
Well, you won't do right  
To save your doggone soul._

As the music ends, everybody claps and cheers.  Ryo turns towards the camera.

**Ryo:** See you all next time!

**All but Ryo:** …_next time_?!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*sniff* Well, it had to end sooner or later, I guess.  I'm gonna miss writing this thing; you have NO idea how much fun it was.  But alas, not to fret!  I've already begun ideas for another movie parody.  It will definitely take some time, because there's more characters and the typecasting doesn't fit nearly as well as it did for _Clue _(I swear, I couldn't have made it fit any more perfectly if I _tried_).  Not to mention, school's starting in less than two weeks.  However, based on the reaction my MSN messenger chattin' buddy gave me when I told her about it, I have a feeling it's gonna be a hit.  What is it?  *grins* You'll just hafta wait and see…   


End file.
